I hate movies...most of the time. Most movies I've seen over the course of my life have managed to do two things A) remind me that reality is much more entertaining than fantasy and B) convince me the the majority of the world's population is surprisingly dim-witted. I seriously don't understand why people go out and fork over 10 bucks a head to sit in a dark room and watch actors pretend to be someone else and call that an exciting evening.
Really my problem is with the lack of effort given in most movie productions. A lot of the acting is half-assed and forced, the scripts read like rejected neighborhood theater, and the characters are disposable, uninteresting, and one-dimensional. I've always held that the notion of "suspended disbelief" was Hollywood's way of saying "We know you normally wouldn't buy this shit sandwhich, but it's the best we got". Plus movie-makers ran out of ideas a LOOOOOONNNGGG time ago. That is why we keep getting remakes of movies that are barely 20 years old and sequals to every near decent idea that "graces" the screen. How many times can Ben Stiller make the same movie with different titles? How many shitty comic book movies are you really going to watch? And yes, the book will always be better so DON'T GO SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!
Then there are these pseudo-intellectual film school drop-outs who want to discuss the cinematography and the use of various special effects that no one cares about. I don't give a damn about cinematography. Watching a movie to admire the cinematography is like going to a strip club to rate the dance moves, that is to say, you missed the point.
Special effects are the nerd way of taking your attention away from the horrific job of acting being done. Seriously, take the special effects out of Star Wars and The Matrix and you'll uncover some of the worst acting in the history of God's reign. Special effects and cinematography are both just cover ups for how shitty the film is; plain and simple.
Having spewed all of those delightful musings on cinematic endeavours, there are some movies that I enjoy quite thoroughly. Not a lot of them, but there are some. My good buddy Linz was interested in seeing a list of all the movies I like which, while it sounds like an easy task for a movie hater such as myself, is actually a pretty tough deal. So, my dear Linz, you are getting a list of my favorite 5 movies of all time. Without further adieu...
5) Mo' Betta Blues: While not Spike Lee's best film, Denzel Washington makes Bleak Gilliam a real piece of shit that you can identify with and feel.
4) Hotel Rwanda: Don Cheadle smashes the role and the script alone is enough to get you choked up.
3) Malcolm X: Denzel and Spike are a good team...too bad neither of them is on the list again.
2) Pulp Fiction: This film used to be my favorite, but over time it fades. Jules Winfield is still madd gully.
1) Dream for an Insomniac: Technically this film is everything I hate. It's a romantic-comedy, Jennifer Anniston is in it, there is a boy-meets-girl boy-loses-girl aspect, it's in black and white, Ione Skye's lisp is blood curdling...I could go on for days with reasons why this should not be my favorite movie of all time. I couldn't give you 3 good reasons why if you saw this movie you should like it. It is my wife's favorite movie also and we've never seen it together...nor have we seen it since we've been together. There is just something about this low-budget, hardly-tolerable film that makes me stop and watch it whenever it is on.
So there you have it...my favorite 5 movies. You probably hate them all, but I like them and that is all that counts.
Honorable mention:
A) Scarface: That horrible accent drops the movie from great to aight.
B) The Birds: Hitchcock holds my attention at first and then I stop caring.
C) Rocky IV: Them mothafuckas killed Apollo Creed! A black man can't never catch a break!
D) Under Siege: made before 9/11 and is scarily similar
E) Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker: while technically not a movie, it is one of the greatest comedy feats EVER
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
8 Sports Teams That Don't Need To Exist
I was watching ESPN this morning and as they were showing highlights of yesterday's sporting events I started thinking about the number of sports teams across football, baseball, and basketball that no one cares about. Or how about the ones that have been losing for so long that THEIR FANS don't give too much of a shit about them (with the exception of Cubs fans). So now, in the spirit of that thought, I give you 8 teams no one would miss
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
I know the Bucs won the Super Bowl a few years back, but in the grand scheme of things who cares? I found this little bit of info on Wikipedia: No team that has lost to the Buccaneers during the regular season has gone on to win the Super Bowl, often referred to as the Tampa Bay Curse. You know how bad you have to suck that just by losing to you other teams throw their hopes and dreams away?! That and coupled with the fact that they have the greatest mock nickname of all time, the Yuckaneers, the fact that they lost their first 26 games, and the fact that they've only had 7 winning seasons in the past 26 years gets them firm spot on our shit list.
7. Toronto Blue Jays:
Joe Carter is one of my childhood heroes. But name 5 other Blue Jays players...ever. I've never met a Blue Jays fan. I've never once seen someone rockin Blue Jays apparel. I forget the Jays exist most of the time. I've actually turned on Sportscenter and seen a Jays highlight while thinking to myself "These cats still play ball?!". I'm not saying that the Blue Jays are a bad franchise, I'm just saying if you dissolved the team only the 10 baseball fans in Canada would be upset.
6. Detroit Lions
Barry Sanders will go down as one of the best running backs in the history of football...too bad he never played for a football team. Barry spent years carrying a lackluster team on his back and we all loved watching him do it. The only problem is that Barry retired in 1999. I think he should have taken the franchise with him. The front office is mind-boggling and watching the team play is stomach turning. The good people of Detroit have a great basketball team, a very good baseball team, and a football team that drafts under-performing wide-outs like Lindsay Lohan buys coke. The Lions are so bad the Ford Corporation is using them as a worst-case scenario business model.
5. Los Angeles Clippers:
When I was a youngin, my friends and I watched basketball religiously. I watched every game that was televised if I could; didn't matter what teams were playing. There was, of course, one exception: The LA Clippers. We always chalked it up as a win for whatever team was playing the Clippers. Nowadays, the Clipps are looking a little better than they did back in the early 90's, but not by much. They've only won 36% of their games...ALL TIME. They've made the playoff 7 out of 36 years making out of the second round only twice. They are the JV to the Lakers varsity squad and even though they share the same arena they aren't even in the same galaxy in terms of team prestige, history, and all-around recognition. LA is a one team kinda town and that shows when you look at the Clippers home games (with the exception of the past 2 or 3 years); just make official what the rest of us have been thinking for years and end the Clippers.
4. Arizona Cardinals:
Do I even have to say anything? The Cardinals are the oldest continuous professional American football club in the United States. It must be out of sheer train wreck curiosity that this team is still around. They've been an NFL team since 1920 and hold the prestigious lifetime record of 458-664-39. They won the NFL championship in 1947...and since then they've made only 5 playoff appearances. In my lifetime they've had 3 winning seasons...3 winning seasons since 1980!!!! Yet they just got a brand-new, state-of-the-art stadium...fittingly in the middle of the Arizona desert.
3. Toronto Raptors:
This has less to do with the team's performance and more to do with the team's location. Not to start any kind of anti-Canadian bias here, but do we really need an NBA team in Canada? The NBA is made up of mostly young black males and sending most young black males to Canada to play ball is like sending an Icelandic hockey player to a team in Uganda. Plus, I've never SEEN this team play...EVER. I can't tell you what the floor of their home stadium looks like and neither can most of the NBA's target audience who are young black males like myself. You don't have to disband this squad, just send them to a city where someone in the 48 contiguous states might catch a game.
2. Memphis Grizzlies:
As a matter of fact, why don't we just combine the Grizzlies with the Raptors and make one mediocre team instead of two. That really is the only reason why they got the #2 spot. The only purpose I could think of for this team was to merge it with another team...that's how much no one needs this team to exist.
1. Kansas City Royals
When have you ever seen the Royals on television not playing your favorite team? Better question, how many times have the Royals been playing your favorite team and you STILL didn't watch? (AL fans only, please). The Royals won the 1985 World Series and have failed to make the playoffs in the 20+ years since then. Not only that, but the Royals have also lost 90+ games 8 times since then. They've had 6 winning seasons since 1985. The waterfall at the stadium is the only redeeming quality of this franchise. George Brett, Hal McRae, and Gaylord Perry deserve to be apart of something better than this shit sandwich. Besides miscellaneous gangs, who have you ever seen rockin a KC Royals hat? I count none on my end. And even if you were a fan of the Royals why would you tell anyone? That's like telling all of your buddies that you had sex with our cousin: it's disgusting and you'll be shamed forever for it.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
I know the Bucs won the Super Bowl a few years back, but in the grand scheme of things who cares? I found this little bit of info on Wikipedia: No team that has lost to the Buccaneers during the regular season has gone on to win the Super Bowl, often referred to as the Tampa Bay Curse. You know how bad you have to suck that just by losing to you other teams throw their hopes and dreams away?! That and coupled with the fact that they have the greatest mock nickname of all time, the Yuckaneers, the fact that they lost their first 26 games, and the fact that they've only had 7 winning seasons in the past 26 years gets them firm spot on our shit list.
7. Toronto Blue Jays:
Joe Carter is one of my childhood heroes. But name 5 other Blue Jays players...ever. I've never met a Blue Jays fan. I've never once seen someone rockin Blue Jays apparel. I forget the Jays exist most of the time. I've actually turned on Sportscenter and seen a Jays highlight while thinking to myself "These cats still play ball?!". I'm not saying that the Blue Jays are a bad franchise, I'm just saying if you dissolved the team only the 10 baseball fans in Canada would be upset.
6. Detroit Lions
Barry Sanders will go down as one of the best running backs in the history of football...too bad he never played for a football team. Barry spent years carrying a lackluster team on his back and we all loved watching him do it. The only problem is that Barry retired in 1999. I think he should have taken the franchise with him. The front office is mind-boggling and watching the team play is stomach turning. The good people of Detroit have a great basketball team, a very good baseball team, and a football team that drafts under-performing wide-outs like Lindsay Lohan buys coke. The Lions are so bad the Ford Corporation is using them as a worst-case scenario business model.
5. Los Angeles Clippers:
When I was a youngin, my friends and I watched basketball religiously. I watched every game that was televised if I could; didn't matter what teams were playing. There was, of course, one exception: The LA Clippers. We always chalked it up as a win for whatever team was playing the Clippers. Nowadays, the Clipps are looking a little better than they did back in the early 90's, but not by much. They've only won 36% of their games...ALL TIME. They've made the playoff 7 out of 36 years making out of the second round only twice. They are the JV to the Lakers varsity squad and even though they share the same arena they aren't even in the same galaxy in terms of team prestige, history, and all-around recognition. LA is a one team kinda town and that shows when you look at the Clippers home games (with the exception of the past 2 or 3 years); just make official what the rest of us have been thinking for years and end the Clippers.
4. Arizona Cardinals:
Do I even have to say anything? The Cardinals are the oldest continuous professional American football club in the United States. It must be out of sheer train wreck curiosity that this team is still around. They've been an NFL team since 1920 and hold the prestigious lifetime record of 458-664-39. They won the NFL championship in 1947...and since then they've made only 5 playoff appearances. In my lifetime they've had 3 winning seasons...3 winning seasons since 1980!!!! Yet they just got a brand-new, state-of-the-art stadium...fittingly in the middle of the Arizona desert.
3. Toronto Raptors:
This has less to do with the team's performance and more to do with the team's location. Not to start any kind of anti-Canadian bias here, but do we really need an NBA team in Canada? The NBA is made up of mostly young black males and sending most young black males to Canada to play ball is like sending an Icelandic hockey player to a team in Uganda. Plus, I've never SEEN this team play...EVER. I can't tell you what the floor of their home stadium looks like and neither can most of the NBA's target audience who are young black males like myself. You don't have to disband this squad, just send them to a city where someone in the 48 contiguous states might catch a game.
2. Memphis Grizzlies:
As a matter of fact, why don't we just combine the Grizzlies with the Raptors and make one mediocre team instead of two. That really is the only reason why they got the #2 spot. The only purpose I could think of for this team was to merge it with another team...that's how much no one needs this team to exist.
1. Kansas City Royals
When have you ever seen the Royals on television not playing your favorite team? Better question, how many times have the Royals been playing your favorite team and you STILL didn't watch? (AL fans only, please). The Royals won the 1985 World Series and have failed to make the playoffs in the 20+ years since then. Not only that, but the Royals have also lost 90+ games 8 times since then. They've had 6 winning seasons since 1985. The waterfall at the stadium is the only redeeming quality of this franchise. George Brett, Hal McRae, and Gaylord Perry deserve to be apart of something better than this shit sandwich. Besides miscellaneous gangs, who have you ever seen rockin a KC Royals hat? I count none on my end. And even if you were a fan of the Royals why would you tell anyone? That's like telling all of your buddies that you had sex with our cousin: it's disgusting and you'll be shamed forever for it.
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