Tuesday, August 5, 2008
About that writing everyday thing...
So, a very selfish and rude storm came through last evening and derailed my latest attempt to actually be productive. I got a few posts in the works and as soon as I can get to a friendlier computer (i.e. one not located at my job) I will continue to provide you with the latest high-brow ranting that I can come up with. To be continued...
Monday, August 4, 2008
Erin Andrews Needs To Eat A Sammich
I've finally had it. For years I've had to endure a multitude of my fellow male counterparts get all hot under and bothered over women that I just don't see th point in. Julia Roberts, Eva Longoria, Sarah Jessica Parker (my bad only women think this German sheppard with boobs is hot) and a slew of other MILDLY attractive, bone-thin spectacles of bulimia have all been shoved down my throat as the end all be all in the female form. Well, I call bullshit. Julia Roberts looks like a horse. Eva Longoria looks like Michael Jackson with a better make-up crew and we've already discussed Sarah Jessica "get me my slippers pooch" Parker.
The one thing most of these anorexia anonymous members (not just the ones listed) have in common is that they are super skinny. I don't need a chick that's built like Buffie the Body (how many bees stung her ass to make it swell that large?), but give a brova something. Gimmie a Jessica Biel, a Beyonce, a 1993 Janet Jackson...something that reminds me that the person I'm cuddled up with is actually a woman.
Being thin is a wonderful thing. It shows that you care about your appearance, that you live a healthy lifestyle, that the word buffet doesn't give you an orgasm complete with an 'Exorcist' style head spin. At some point we have to draw the line between what is healthy looking and what is a 'Save the Children' commercial. Jessica Alba looks healthy and fit; the Olsen twins look like they've been in a concentration camp since 'Full House' off the air.
Which brings me to the namesake of this post; Erin Andrews. I understand that compared to the Linda Cohen's and Chris McKendry's at ESPN, Erin Andrews looks like a fine portrait of a woman. Let's not get carried away though. Erin Andrews is a cute woman, but she has the body of an Ethiopian. I know, I know "But she has huge breasts!" If you tape two apples to a pencil they are no doubt going to look larger than if you placed those same apples on a Ford F-350; if you follow my logic. I would go into the discussion about how much of a shame it is that her great on camera skills get over shadowed by her on camera "talents", but that would be a lie because besides being (slightly) more attractive than the average female covering sports she ain't got much else to offer. Linda Cohen and Chris McKendry, while not being the most attractive women on the planet, know their sports and know how to report on sports in a fashion that makes you forget their women and focus on the quality of the job they are doing. How novel...
The point of this all isn't to bash other men's personal preferences or to attempt to diminish the accomplishments of Erin Andrews' life (she works for fucking ESPN...thats more than I can say for my life's achievements); it is to illustrate two points. Point one: don't let your media outlets tell you what is attractive and what isn't. If you're going to let someone decide what your opinion is please don't let it be the media and please let that opinion focus on a subject that matters a little more that T & A. Point two: Erin Andrews needs to eat a sammich.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The Words Escape Me
So, For the past couple of months I've been trying to write what every asshole with an ounce of writing ability dreams of writing...the great American novel. The only problem is life keeps getting in the way. I haven't written much yet and what I have written I wouldn't show to a blind man. *Sighs heavily...stares lustily at fading dreams*
Seeing as I have this canvas of a blog to spew randomness and hatred-filled rants upon, I have decided to use it. I'm going to have to get back into the habit of writing on a daily basis if I ever want to even come close to getting anything done with this double-stuffed shit sandwich of a book I'm currently (not) working on. Don't expect much from this endeavor. I'm essentially going to just sit down here at my desk every night and type about whatever comes into my head until I feel some sort of inspiration to write something meaningful (read: something to make me money). Unlike my past attempts to blog on a regular basis, this attempt is one I actually give a drunken nun fart about. Expect anger, expect discontent, expect bullshit, expect humor, expect despair, expect me.
Now that the bitching is done I got some non-writing to do...
Seeing as I have this canvas of a blog to spew randomness and hatred-filled rants upon, I have decided to use it. I'm going to have to get back into the habit of writing on a daily basis if I ever want to even come close to getting anything done with this double-stuffed shit sandwich of a book I'm currently (not) working on. Don't expect much from this endeavor. I'm essentially going to just sit down here at my desk every night and type about whatever comes into my head until I feel some sort of inspiration to write something meaningful (read: something to make me money). Unlike my past attempts to blog on a regular basis, this attempt is one I actually give a drunken nun fart about. Expect anger, expect discontent, expect bullshit, expect humor, expect despair, expect me.
Now that the bitching is done I got some non-writing to do...
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Gun Control Legislation < Common Sense
I'm a Southerner; Mississippi born and raised. Over the course of my stay in the Midwest, which is now in its 9th year, I think the hands down winner of the "Argument Most Likely to Cause Violence" award has been the ongoing debate on gun control. I mention that I'm a Southerner solely to highlight the fact that guns are as much a part of the South as summer heat and Jack Daniels. I grew up around guns, feel very comfortable around guns, and advocate the right to carry a gun (although I don't own one myself...my wife would go nuts). Most people I know are anti-gun and pro-gun control legislation. I can understand people not liking guns or even having a fear of the very sight of a gun. What I cannot understand is this ridiculous idea that if you ban guns violence will disappear from the face of the planet.
Gun violence is a major problem in this country; no one with common sense is going to debate that. What has always bothered me about supporters of gun legislation is their unrealistic ideas as to what this legislation is going to accomplish. People think that if you make it illegal to own a gun it will therefore become tougher to buy a gun and that will cause gun related crimes to go down while simultaneously ridding society of all violence. BULLSHIT!
Allen Keyes is a moron of the highest pedigree. He said one of the smartest things I've ever heard in my life. During a failed attempt at the Illinois Senator position currently held by Barack Obama back in 2004, Allen Keyes stated that gun legislation does nothing to deter gun violence because criminals don't follow laws. That is something that I've been trying to tell my gun control advocate friends for years. Making guns illegal will accomplish the same goal that making heroin, marijuana, and cocaine illegal...absolutely nothing. People who buy firearms that they will use for criminal activity are 9/10 times not the same people who are going to walk into a gun store and fill out the necessary paper work (school shootings aside). They are going to buy one on the streets; the same place people go to purchase heroin, marijuana, and cocaine. Assault rifles have been banned for years yet, in some strange coincidence, every time the authorities bust some multi-state drug ring they find a slew of assault rifles, cash, and hand guns in the stash. If you ban guns you are only taking protection out of the hands of law-abiding citizens. The people who keep that gun in the nightstand praying to God they never have to use it to defend their families in the face of danger. The car jacker will have a gun whether you legislate them away or not, but will the single mother of three? She is the person who stands to be hurt by gun legislation.
Currently in Chicago we are in the midst of another year of where a multitude of our young people are dying in gun-related violence. This has sparked Mayor (Emperor) Daley and community leaders to shine the light on the gun control issue and are calling for tougher gun laws. I compare this to replacing a blown light bulb with a tomato...it ain't gonna work. We aren't striking to the root of the problem when we passively lobby for legislation. We aren't addressing poverty or single parent homes or poor schools or gentrification; we don't want to talk about those things because they don't make good news headlines. The gun is only the instrument used to kill...it is not the driving force and until we start to make attempts to locate and dismantle this driving force we will continue to have a gun violence problem in this city, in this state, and in this country as a whole.
It doesn't take Al Einstein (or even Al Yankovic) to understand why most gun-related violence occurs in poor neighborhoods; the same neighborhoods with poor schools, high drug sales, crooked cops, little opportunity for prosperity, and no one making a REAL attempt to do anything about it. We want to point the finger at the inanimate object because we don't want to face the facts. So we seek to ban it just like the cocaine, heroin, marijuana (and even alcohol, remember?) when we want to find something to vilify.
Just like most other issues concerning America today "it's the economy stupid". Just like in the '90's, if you give people a chance to earn a living and feel like a decent human being crime drops. It's not useless legislation that makes soccer moms and fat pocketed politicians sleep better at night that is going to make the difference. Take away the driving force and the instrument rusts...
Gun violence is a major problem in this country; no one with common sense is going to debate that. What has always bothered me about supporters of gun legislation is their unrealistic ideas as to what this legislation is going to accomplish. People think that if you make it illegal to own a gun it will therefore become tougher to buy a gun and that will cause gun related crimes to go down while simultaneously ridding society of all violence. BULLSHIT!
Allen Keyes is a moron of the highest pedigree. He said one of the smartest things I've ever heard in my life. During a failed attempt at the Illinois Senator position currently held by Barack Obama back in 2004, Allen Keyes stated that gun legislation does nothing to deter gun violence because criminals don't follow laws. That is something that I've been trying to tell my gun control advocate friends for years. Making guns illegal will accomplish the same goal that making heroin, marijuana, and cocaine illegal...absolutely nothing. People who buy firearms that they will use for criminal activity are 9/10 times not the same people who are going to walk into a gun store and fill out the necessary paper work (school shootings aside). They are going to buy one on the streets; the same place people go to purchase heroin, marijuana, and cocaine. Assault rifles have been banned for years yet, in some strange coincidence, every time the authorities bust some multi-state drug ring they find a slew of assault rifles, cash, and hand guns in the stash. If you ban guns you are only taking protection out of the hands of law-abiding citizens. The people who keep that gun in the nightstand praying to God they never have to use it to defend their families in the face of danger. The car jacker will have a gun whether you legislate them away or not, but will the single mother of three? She is the person who stands to be hurt by gun legislation.
Currently in Chicago we are in the midst of another year of where a multitude of our young people are dying in gun-related violence. This has sparked Mayor (Emperor) Daley and community leaders to shine the light on the gun control issue and are calling for tougher gun laws. I compare this to replacing a blown light bulb with a tomato...it ain't gonna work. We aren't striking to the root of the problem when we passively lobby for legislation. We aren't addressing poverty or single parent homes or poor schools or gentrification; we don't want to talk about those things because they don't make good news headlines. The gun is only the instrument used to kill...it is not the driving force and until we start to make attempts to locate and dismantle this driving force we will continue to have a gun violence problem in this city, in this state, and in this country as a whole.
It doesn't take Al Einstein (or even Al Yankovic) to understand why most gun-related violence occurs in poor neighborhoods; the same neighborhoods with poor schools, high drug sales, crooked cops, little opportunity for prosperity, and no one making a REAL attempt to do anything about it. We want to point the finger at the inanimate object because we don't want to face the facts. So we seek to ban it just like the cocaine, heroin, marijuana (and even alcohol, remember?) when we want to find something to vilify.
Just like most other issues concerning America today "it's the economy stupid". Just like in the '90's, if you give people a chance to earn a living and feel like a decent human being crime drops. It's not useless legislation that makes soccer moms and fat pocketed politicians sleep better at night that is going to make the difference. Take away the driving force and the instrument rusts...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Paper Mache Protest
Alright, for the past week I (and I'm assuming you, too) have been inundated with visions of protesters across the globe all with their panties in a bunch over Tibet, China, and the 2008 Olympics. I for one will stand at the top of the highest mountain I can climb and call bullshit on this entire charade.
My first issue with this whole sandpaper hand-job are the attempts by protesters to put out the Olympic torch. Are you serious? I know the whole idea of parading the torch around was invented by the Nazis, but attacking some poor guy who is just trying to live out a dream is completely deplorable. You're not helping the oppressed in Tibet or bringing to the forefront some human rights violation of the Chinese government by doing this; you are simply being an over zealous nut bag who can't separate his "protest of the moment" syndrome from an event that is not about China, it's just going to take place there. These feeble attempts to shine a light on a brutal regime is only shining a light on clueless protesters attacking a person carrying the Olympic torch. Besides, and someone should alert the protesters to this, if you put the torch out, they'll just relight it and move on to the next city.
The Olympics, as grand a stage as it is, is not a platform for your agendas. Yes, the Olympics are a corporate field day of agendas, but the games are also the culmination of a lifetime of effort by athletes that, even if they go home without a single medal, are proud to have had their moment in the spotlight. The greatest athletes in the world gather to compete in a centuries old tradition that still draws millions of eyes and start kicks millions of dreams...and you want to use it to whore your cause? And, yes you are whoring your cause because what is going on in Tibet ain't nothing new. Where were all of these protesters 10 year ago? Or even 10 months ago? The people of Tibet have been being stepped on for years and NOW you get off your ass to scream about it when the cameras are on? You gotta do better than that.
My second and biggest issue with these protests has to do with the general ineffectiveness of protesting something like this. You think governments across the world have been clueless all these years about what goes on beyond the borders of China? No, they just haven't cared; and I doubt they will start to care any time soon. Especially with China emerging as THE super power now that America's light seems to be fading. These countries want to get their slice of the Chinese pie and they aren't going to let some misguided, though well-meaning protesters stop the money train.
If you want to let the world know how you feel about Chinese oppression you have to use the only tool that powerful countries care about...money. You've got to stop buying stock in Chinese companies, stop buying products made in China, push your congressman on legislation that would put economic sanctions on China until they atone for their wrongs. If that doesn't work, take the cause to another level. Go to China, help organize Tibetans and other oppressed Chinese to make the social and governmental changes that need to be made to make their lives bearable and to give them a voice (on some real Beastie Boys type shit).
But none of these things are going to happen and the number one reason why is most of the people participating in and doing stories on this paper mache protest are only half-hearted. It's the spirit of America: protest oil today, global warming tomorrow, Mumia Abu-Jamal (there STILL needs to be more noise made over this case) next week. We float from luke -warm hatred to luke-warm passion to our Ford SUV in the blink of an eye. So while this is a serious issue that deserves serious action, we'll put it on the shelf with Iraq and Darfur and all the other "protest of the moment" fire that we seem to get from time to time. Besides most people in this country can't even find the Tibet region of China on the map.
My first issue with this whole sandpaper hand-job are the attempts by protesters to put out the Olympic torch. Are you serious? I know the whole idea of parading the torch around was invented by the Nazis, but attacking some poor guy who is just trying to live out a dream is completely deplorable. You're not helping the oppressed in Tibet or bringing to the forefront some human rights violation of the Chinese government by doing this; you are simply being an over zealous nut bag who can't separate his "protest of the moment" syndrome from an event that is not about China, it's just going to take place there. These feeble attempts to shine a light on a brutal regime is only shining a light on clueless protesters attacking a person carrying the Olympic torch. Besides, and someone should alert the protesters to this, if you put the torch out, they'll just relight it and move on to the next city.
The Olympics, as grand a stage as it is, is not a platform for your agendas. Yes, the Olympics are a corporate field day of agendas, but the games are also the culmination of a lifetime of effort by athletes that, even if they go home without a single medal, are proud to have had their moment in the spotlight. The greatest athletes in the world gather to compete in a centuries old tradition that still draws millions of eyes and start kicks millions of dreams...and you want to use it to whore your cause? And, yes you are whoring your cause because what is going on in Tibet ain't nothing new. Where were all of these protesters 10 year ago? Or even 10 months ago? The people of Tibet have been being stepped on for years and NOW you get off your ass to scream about it when the cameras are on? You gotta do better than that.
My second and biggest issue with these protests has to do with the general ineffectiveness of protesting something like this. You think governments across the world have been clueless all these years about what goes on beyond the borders of China? No, they just haven't cared; and I doubt they will start to care any time soon. Especially with China emerging as THE super power now that America's light seems to be fading. These countries want to get their slice of the Chinese pie and they aren't going to let some misguided, though well-meaning protesters stop the money train.
If you want to let the world know how you feel about Chinese oppression you have to use the only tool that powerful countries care about...money. You've got to stop buying stock in Chinese companies, stop buying products made in China, push your congressman on legislation that would put economic sanctions on China until they atone for their wrongs. If that doesn't work, take the cause to another level. Go to China, help organize Tibetans and other oppressed Chinese to make the social and governmental changes that need to be made to make their lives bearable and to give them a voice (on some real Beastie Boys type shit).
But none of these things are going to happen and the number one reason why is most of the people participating in and doing stories on this paper mache protest are only half-hearted. It's the spirit of America: protest oil today, global warming tomorrow, Mumia Abu-Jamal (there STILL needs to be more noise made over this case) next week. We float from luke -warm hatred to luke-warm passion to our Ford SUV in the blink of an eye. So while this is a serious issue that deserves serious action, we'll put it on the shelf with Iraq and Darfur and all the other "protest of the moment" fire that we seem to get from time to time. Besides most people in this country can't even find the Tibet region of China on the map.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The Linz List
I hate movies...most of the time. Most movies I've seen over the course of my life have managed to do two things A) remind me that reality is much more entertaining than fantasy and B) convince me the the majority of the world's population is surprisingly dim-witted. I seriously don't understand why people go out and fork over 10 bucks a head to sit in a dark room and watch actors pretend to be someone else and call that an exciting evening.
Really my problem is with the lack of effort given in most movie productions. A lot of the acting is half-assed and forced, the scripts read like rejected neighborhood theater, and the characters are disposable, uninteresting, and one-dimensional. I've always held that the notion of "suspended disbelief" was Hollywood's way of saying "We know you normally wouldn't buy this shit sandwhich, but it's the best we got". Plus movie-makers ran out of ideas a LOOOOOONNNGGG time ago. That is why we keep getting remakes of movies that are barely 20 years old and sequals to every near decent idea that "graces" the screen. How many times can Ben Stiller make the same movie with different titles? How many shitty comic book movies are you really going to watch? And yes, the book will always be better so DON'T GO SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!
Then there are these pseudo-intellectual film school drop-outs who want to discuss the cinematography and the use of various special effects that no one cares about. I don't give a damn about cinematography. Watching a movie to admire the cinematography is like going to a strip club to rate the dance moves, that is to say, you missed the point.
Special effects are the nerd way of taking your attention away from the horrific job of acting being done. Seriously, take the special effects out of Star Wars and The Matrix and you'll uncover some of the worst acting in the history of God's reign. Special effects and cinematography are both just cover ups for how shitty the film is; plain and simple.
Having spewed all of those delightful musings on cinematic endeavours, there are some movies that I enjoy quite thoroughly. Not a lot of them, but there are some. My good buddy Linz was interested in seeing a list of all the movies I like which, while it sounds like an easy task for a movie hater such as myself, is actually a pretty tough deal. So, my dear Linz, you are getting a list of my favorite 5 movies of all time. Without further adieu...
5) Mo' Betta Blues: While not Spike Lee's best film, Denzel Washington makes Bleak Gilliam a real piece of shit that you can identify with and feel.
4) Hotel Rwanda: Don Cheadle smashes the role and the script alone is enough to get you choked up.
3) Malcolm X: Denzel and Spike are a good team...too bad neither of them is on the list again.
2) Pulp Fiction: This film used to be my favorite, but over time it fades. Jules Winfield is still madd gully.
1) Dream for an Insomniac: Technically this film is everything I hate. It's a romantic-comedy, Jennifer Anniston is in it, there is a boy-meets-girl boy-loses-girl aspect, it's in black and white, Ione Skye's lisp is blood curdling...I could go on for days with reasons why this should not be my favorite movie of all time. I couldn't give you 3 good reasons why if you saw this movie you should like it. It is my wife's favorite movie also and we've never seen it together...nor have we seen it since we've been together. There is just something about this low-budget, hardly-tolerable film that makes me stop and watch it whenever it is on.
So there you have it...my favorite 5 movies. You probably hate them all, but I like them and that is all that counts.
Honorable mention:
A) Scarface: That horrible accent drops the movie from great to aight.
B) The Birds: Hitchcock holds my attention at first and then I stop caring.
C) Rocky IV: Them mothafuckas killed Apollo Creed! A black man can't never catch a break!
D) Under Siege: made before 9/11 and is scarily similar
E) Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker: while technically not a movie, it is one of the greatest comedy feats EVER
Really my problem is with the lack of effort given in most movie productions. A lot of the acting is half-assed and forced, the scripts read like rejected neighborhood theater, and the characters are disposable, uninteresting, and one-dimensional. I've always held that the notion of "suspended disbelief" was Hollywood's way of saying "We know you normally wouldn't buy this shit sandwhich, but it's the best we got". Plus movie-makers ran out of ideas a LOOOOOONNNGGG time ago. That is why we keep getting remakes of movies that are barely 20 years old and sequals to every near decent idea that "graces" the screen. How many times can Ben Stiller make the same movie with different titles? How many shitty comic book movies are you really going to watch? And yes, the book will always be better so DON'T GO SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!
Then there are these pseudo-intellectual film school drop-outs who want to discuss the cinematography and the use of various special effects that no one cares about. I don't give a damn about cinematography. Watching a movie to admire the cinematography is like going to a strip club to rate the dance moves, that is to say, you missed the point.
Special effects are the nerd way of taking your attention away from the horrific job of acting being done. Seriously, take the special effects out of Star Wars and The Matrix and you'll uncover some of the worst acting in the history of God's reign. Special effects and cinematography are both just cover ups for how shitty the film is; plain and simple.
Having spewed all of those delightful musings on cinematic endeavours, there are some movies that I enjoy quite thoroughly. Not a lot of them, but there are some. My good buddy Linz was interested in seeing a list of all the movies I like which, while it sounds like an easy task for a movie hater such as myself, is actually a pretty tough deal. So, my dear Linz, you are getting a list of my favorite 5 movies of all time. Without further adieu...
5) Mo' Betta Blues: While not Spike Lee's best film, Denzel Washington makes Bleak Gilliam a real piece of shit that you can identify with and feel.
4) Hotel Rwanda: Don Cheadle smashes the role and the script alone is enough to get you choked up.
3) Malcolm X: Denzel and Spike are a good team...too bad neither of them is on the list again.
2) Pulp Fiction: This film used to be my favorite, but over time it fades. Jules Winfield is still madd gully.
1) Dream for an Insomniac: Technically this film is everything I hate. It's a romantic-comedy, Jennifer Anniston is in it, there is a boy-meets-girl boy-loses-girl aspect, it's in black and white, Ione Skye's lisp is blood curdling...I could go on for days with reasons why this should not be my favorite movie of all time. I couldn't give you 3 good reasons why if you saw this movie you should like it. It is my wife's favorite movie also and we've never seen it together...nor have we seen it since we've been together. There is just something about this low-budget, hardly-tolerable film that makes me stop and watch it whenever it is on.
So there you have it...my favorite 5 movies. You probably hate them all, but I like them and that is all that counts.
Honorable mention:
A) Scarface: That horrible accent drops the movie from great to aight.
B) The Birds: Hitchcock holds my attention at first and then I stop caring.
C) Rocky IV: Them mothafuckas killed Apollo Creed! A black man can't never catch a break!
D) Under Siege: made before 9/11 and is scarily similar
E) Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker: while technically not a movie, it is one of the greatest comedy feats EVER
Friday, February 22, 2008
I have so much more to say, I have so much more to fight for!!
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...I don't blog enough. I figured I'd splash you all (Jon, Linz, and the other 2 people in the universe who give a shit about this on again off again blog) with a quick run down of things I plan to post in the next week or so.
Linz's special edition movie blog
A tribute to a few people who amaze me and make life worth living
An overview of this B-movie quality tragedy God calls my life
AND
A diatribe about politics (as usual)
The fact that even a handful of people think the metric ton of trash that fills my brain is interesting, I've also decided to get started on a yet to be titled book also. Don't know where I'm gonna get the time to do any of this stuff, but I'll pull it together...I'm me I always do.
Until we meet again (prolly Sunday),
DMC
Linz's special edition movie blog
A tribute to a few people who amaze me and make life worth living
An overview of this B-movie quality tragedy God calls my life
AND
A diatribe about politics (as usual)
The fact that even a handful of people think the metric ton of trash that fills my brain is interesting, I've also decided to get started on a yet to be titled book also. Don't know where I'm gonna get the time to do any of this stuff, but I'll pull it together...I'm me I always do.
Until we meet again (prolly Sunday),
DMC
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Do I Look Like A Damn Fool To You?!
First let me say rest in peace to the American economy.
Now that we've handled that little piece of business, let us move on to the latest scheme our genius politicians have in the works for us. Unless you've been hiding in a hole in Iraq for the last day or so, I'm assuming you've heard about George W. (we're all gonna get) Bush(ed) and his new plan for stimulating our impotent economy. When I first read up on this still very vague plan I thought to myself "Wait, am I about to agree with Bush on something?". I mean at face value, the whole thing sounds kind of interesting. Inject some cash into a cash strapped economy while expanding the deductions that businesses take for investment in equipment which would increase the working capital of businesses across the county. OH MY GOD, HE'S GONNA MAKE A GOOD DECISION!!! Then after about an hour or two my intelligence woke up from his afternoon slumber and started screaming obscenities in my head.
I started to think about how this is just another election year I'm-helping-out-my-party tactic. Every person with the brains God gave burned toast knows that Bush's presidential career has had him mostly playing the role of Muppet to the Republican party's Jim Henson. He's the mouthpiece of a power-hungry, soul-less, evil political entity and this is just another one of their tricks to sway voters onto their side for the big Tuesday in November. Then I read about Democrats ready and willing to cosign to the proposal. The initial shock confused me until I realized that A) Democrats have, in recent history, proven to be spine-less sacks of hot air and B) (as pointed out in this NY Times article http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/19/washington/19fiscal.html?ref=washington)
This congress and its Democrat majority have a lower approval rating than President Bumblefuck. Both parties get to look like heroes in this one in a classic move that proves once again that good and evil carpool to work (that is to say that our political system is one great big well-orchestrated con job of the common man.
Consider this quote from the NY Times article:
“We’re not able to afford that typical drawn-out and political legislative battle where both sides first stake out hard-line positions and come together after months of debate. We need to expedite the process by trying to take the politics out of it, which in turn is good politics.”
So what, as long as the economy gets better and we're prosperous as a nation, who cares? Right? WRONG!!
One of the paragraphs of that NY Times article states:
In laying the foundation for a plan rooted in tax policy, Mr. Bush held fast to a central theme of his presidency, that cutting taxes, rather than increasing spending, was the route to prosperity.
Um, I'm not the brightest man in the world, but doesn't giving people tax cuts and rebates designed to put cash into the economy increase spending? The whole intention of this plan is that you'll get your designated amount of cash, either directly in a rebate or indirectly in a tax cut, and go out and paint the town red. Don't throw a brick at my face and tell me it's a pillow. We got into this horrible situation by spending money like it was gonna rot. (©Chris Rock) Thanks to Greenspan and his pull-this-solution-out-of-my-ass approach to the economy, we were all encouraged to swipe those cards, buy that home you can't afford, and take that vacation because you deserve it. In short, the cause of the problem that we are now faced with is going to be used to solve the problem. Doesn't make much sense to me either.
Well, sometimes the roses look prettier than they smell.
“Unfortunately, lawmakers are taking the political approach on the stimulus, which is to say they seem to be focusing on what proposals are popular than what will actually help the economy,”(© NY Times)
Now that we've handled that little piece of business, let us move on to the latest scheme our genius politicians have in the works for us. Unless you've been hiding in a hole in Iraq for the last day or so, I'm assuming you've heard about George W. (we're all gonna get) Bush(ed) and his new plan for stimulating our impotent economy. When I first read up on this still very vague plan I thought to myself "Wait, am I about to agree with Bush on something?". I mean at face value, the whole thing sounds kind of interesting. Inject some cash into a cash strapped economy while expanding the deductions that businesses take for investment in equipment which would increase the working capital of businesses across the county. OH MY GOD, HE'S GONNA MAKE A GOOD DECISION!!! Then after about an hour or two my intelligence woke up from his afternoon slumber and started screaming obscenities in my head.
I started to think about how this is just another election year I'm-helping-out-my-party tactic. Every person with the brains God gave burned toast knows that Bush's presidential career has had him mostly playing the role of Muppet to the Republican party's Jim Henson. He's the mouthpiece of a power-hungry, soul-less, evil political entity and this is just another one of their tricks to sway voters onto their side for the big Tuesday in November. Then I read about Democrats ready and willing to cosign to the proposal. The initial shock confused me until I realized that A) Democrats have, in recent history, proven to be spine-less sacks of hot air and B) (as pointed out in this NY Times article http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/19/washington/19fiscal.html?ref=washington)
This congress and its Democrat majority have a lower approval rating than President Bumblefuck. Both parties get to look like heroes in this one in a classic move that proves once again that good and evil carpool to work (that is to say that our political system is one great big well-orchestrated con job of the common man.
Consider this quote from the NY Times article:
“We’re not able to afford that typical drawn-out and political legislative battle where both sides first stake out hard-line positions and come together after months of debate. We need to expedite the process by trying to take the politics out of it, which in turn is good politics.”
So what, as long as the economy gets better and we're prosperous as a nation, who cares? Right? WRONG!!
One of the paragraphs of that NY Times article states:
In laying the foundation for a plan rooted in tax policy, Mr. Bush held fast to a central theme of his presidency, that cutting taxes, rather than increasing spending, was the route to prosperity.
Um, I'm not the brightest man in the world, but doesn't giving people tax cuts and rebates designed to put cash into the economy increase spending? The whole intention of this plan is that you'll get your designated amount of cash, either directly in a rebate or indirectly in a tax cut, and go out and paint the town red. Don't throw a brick at my face and tell me it's a pillow. We got into this horrible situation by spending money like it was gonna rot. (©Chris Rock) Thanks to Greenspan and his pull-this-solution-out-of-my-ass approach to the economy, we were all encouraged to swipe those cards, buy that home you can't afford, and take that vacation because you deserve it. In short, the cause of the problem that we are now faced with is going to be used to solve the problem. Doesn't make much sense to me either.
Well, sometimes the roses look prettier than they smell.
“Unfortunately, lawmakers are taking the political approach on the stimulus, which is to say they seem to be focusing on what proposals are popular than what will actually help the economy,”(© NY Times)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The Assassination of Common Sense Pt. 5
I was sitting at work today, half doing my job and half day dreaming, when a quick trip to the bathroom ignited a whirlwind of frustration and confusion. In the process of being pissed about this little incident, I, in true me fashion, began to rant in my head about a slew of other things that make absolutely no sense at all. So now I invite you to the running tab of anger in my life that I refer to as "The Assassination of Common Sense".
1. The catalyst of this entire rant: Bathrooms that only have partial automatic functions. I go to the bathroom at my office (as I do numerous times per day) and upon walking away from the urinal and hearing it flush on its own, I start to think of how wild it is that you don't even have to flush the toilet anymore...then i walked to the sink and became ticked off when I realized you had to manually turn on the water, get soap, and churn out a paper towel. The fact that I had to do these tasks manually didn't bother me one bit, but why did they have an automatic urinal and everything else wasn't? If you have an automatic urinal the bathroom MUST have an automatic toilet, sink, soap dispense, and paper towel dispenser? Why? Because if people don't want to share germs with the general public by not flushing the toilet with your bare hands they sure as hell don't want to do it at the sink.
2. Flavored Water: Water should taste like water. It doesn't need strawberries, raspberries, bananas, guava, or whatever fruit flavor you can imagine added to it. When I was 10, I thought Clearly Canadian was the best product ever invented. Until I realized that carbonated, flavored water already had a name...soda. Water is one of the essential elements of human existence and leave it up to Americans to come up with a way to bastardize one of the purest things on the planet (when we aren't dumping toxic waste into it). The next time you see someone drinking a bottle of flavored water, do me a favor and ask if their parents are twins.
3. Rims: I've tried and I've tried and I've tried, but I cannot begin to comprehend the human fascination with objects that shine. I remember when I was a youth and I couldn't wait to grow up and buy a 20 year old car, throw a new paint job and a Corvette engine in it, and buy the biggest rims I could find. Then I was touched by the hand of God and he handed me a box of common sense.
Why do you want big shiny rims? They aren't going to improve your relationship with your significant other. They won't make your kids smarter and more respectful. I've never seen rims pay a mortgage. All rims will do is A) make you feel like you're a high roller B) make other people envy you and then jack you for your rims and C) cost a lot of money. Beyond the temporary ego boost rims are usless, but they shine so I guess they'll be around forever. "And they spinnin' nigga, they spinnin'" © Chris Rock.
4. Phones with MP3 players: WTF!!?? Everytime I see a commercial on television for a new phone the FIRST feature they mention is the MP3 player. Hmm...lemme see...home stereo (check), car stereo (check), Ipod (check), walkman (check)...WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO LISTEN TO MUSIC ON MY PHONE!!!???? I really don't get it. Are we that ignorant as a culture that we can't see the MP3 player phone as just another useless gimmick to get us to buy over-priced products? Besides the fact that I've never seen anyone use their phone for a phone call and the switch over and start rocking out to some Ashford and Simpson on the same device. If you own any of the aforementioned devices and buy a phone with an MP3 player and honestly plan on using it then I'm sure you believe George Bush is going to find those WMDs one day. Which brings me to my next point...
5. Phones with video screens: Again...WTF!!!??? If you bought an Iphone it's safe to say you are a mindless being and an advertiser's dream. What are you gonna watch on your phone? Mash reruns? Porn? The Young and the Restless? Nothing. That is what you're gonna watch on your phone. And if you do watch something on your phone it will most likely be because you've reasoned that you payed all this money for a phone with a video screen so you might as well pay to download something you'll never watch.
What happened to the days when a phone was a *sigh* phone? When you could make calls and talk to people far away and share stories with close friends. If you walk into any cell phone provider store and ask for a phone that just makes phone calls they'll look at you like you're a homeless man begging for change. Trust me, I just did it a month ago. Now a phone is all about image just like all the rest of our transactions. When you show people your new phone now the first question they ask you is "What does it do?". I always answer with "It makes fuckin' phone calls!". Which some people consider rude and I consider the kindest thing I could say at the time.
"Black people, maybe if we didn't spend all our money on RIMS we might have some!" ©Chris Rock
1. The catalyst of this entire rant: Bathrooms that only have partial automatic functions. I go to the bathroom at my office (as I do numerous times per day) and upon walking away from the urinal and hearing it flush on its own, I start to think of how wild it is that you don't even have to flush the toilet anymore...then i walked to the sink and became ticked off when I realized you had to manually turn on the water, get soap, and churn out a paper towel. The fact that I had to do these tasks manually didn't bother me one bit, but why did they have an automatic urinal and everything else wasn't? If you have an automatic urinal the bathroom MUST have an automatic toilet, sink, soap dispense, and paper towel dispenser? Why? Because if people don't want to share germs with the general public by not flushing the toilet with your bare hands they sure as hell don't want to do it at the sink.
2. Flavored Water: Water should taste like water. It doesn't need strawberries, raspberries, bananas, guava, or whatever fruit flavor you can imagine added to it. When I was 10, I thought Clearly Canadian was the best product ever invented. Until I realized that carbonated, flavored water already had a name...soda. Water is one of the essential elements of human existence and leave it up to Americans to come up with a way to bastardize one of the purest things on the planet (when we aren't dumping toxic waste into it). The next time you see someone drinking a bottle of flavored water, do me a favor and ask if their parents are twins.
3. Rims: I've tried and I've tried and I've tried, but I cannot begin to comprehend the human fascination with objects that shine. I remember when I was a youth and I couldn't wait to grow up and buy a 20 year old car, throw a new paint job and a Corvette engine in it, and buy the biggest rims I could find. Then I was touched by the hand of God and he handed me a box of common sense.
Why do you want big shiny rims? They aren't going to improve your relationship with your significant other. They won't make your kids smarter and more respectful. I've never seen rims pay a mortgage. All rims will do is A) make you feel like you're a high roller B) make other people envy you and then jack you for your rims and C) cost a lot of money. Beyond the temporary ego boost rims are usless, but they shine so I guess they'll be around forever. "And they spinnin' nigga, they spinnin'" © Chris Rock.
4. Phones with MP3 players: WTF!!?? Everytime I see a commercial on television for a new phone the FIRST feature they mention is the MP3 player. Hmm...lemme see...home stereo (check), car stereo (check), Ipod (check), walkman (check)...WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO LISTEN TO MUSIC ON MY PHONE!!!???? I really don't get it. Are we that ignorant as a culture that we can't see the MP3 player phone as just another useless gimmick to get us to buy over-priced products? Besides the fact that I've never seen anyone use their phone for a phone call and the switch over and start rocking out to some Ashford and Simpson on the same device. If you own any of the aforementioned devices and buy a phone with an MP3 player and honestly plan on using it then I'm sure you believe George Bush is going to find those WMDs one day. Which brings me to my next point...
5. Phones with video screens: Again...WTF!!!??? If you bought an Iphone it's safe to say you are a mindless being and an advertiser's dream. What are you gonna watch on your phone? Mash reruns? Porn? The Young and the Restless? Nothing. That is what you're gonna watch on your phone. And if you do watch something on your phone it will most likely be because you've reasoned that you payed all this money for a phone with a video screen so you might as well pay to download something you'll never watch.
What happened to the days when a phone was a *sigh* phone? When you could make calls and talk to people far away and share stories with close friends. If you walk into any cell phone provider store and ask for a phone that just makes phone calls they'll look at you like you're a homeless man begging for change. Trust me, I just did it a month ago. Now a phone is all about image just like all the rest of our transactions. When you show people your new phone now the first question they ask you is "What does it do?". I always answer with "It makes fuckin' phone calls!". Which some people consider rude and I consider the kindest thing I could say at the time.
"Black people, maybe if we didn't spend all our money on RIMS we might have some!" ©Chris Rock
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Back by Popular Demand
Here it is folks. It's been forever and a day since I last ranted and raved (about a month and a half) so I figured I'd step back in the ring like Floyd Mayweather and go a couple of more rounds on some jab-jab-uppercut style blogging.
If you're gonna start jabbing people why not start with this ever impressive (cut the sarcasm with a fork) crop of presidential candidates. First off, Mike Huckabee?. This man cannot be president for a Nile river's worth of reasons but I'll just fill your time with two of them: A) George W. Bush is already in office and screwed us all royally so why would we elect his clone and B) you can't be president with a name like Huckabee...I don't make these rules up.
In all seriousness when I look beyond Huckabee it's not like I see a bunch of people I want to recognize as the Commander-in-chief. Barack Obama approaches politics like I did when I was 14 before I learned that politics isn't a game played on a court by nicely dressed upper-crust gentlemen; it is a game played in a muddy snake pit by crooks and convicts. Hilary Clinton would probably get my vote, but I'm not one to vote for someone who voted for the Iraq war when it was a popular decision and dogged it when it was proven (did it really need much proving?) to be a bad idea yet still votes to fund it. John Edwards? No way. Mitt Romney? Garbage. Rudy Giuliani? Hell, I'm from the South...I know not to trust a man who marries his cousin. Besides the fact that this guy has taken so much credit for how NYC pulled together after 9/11 you kinda suspect he planned it just to make himself look good (that was a joke people!) I could talk about the lackluster merits of this gang of wannabes all day, but let's not get ourselves depressed until after President -elect Buffoon X fails us.
Jab #2. If ESPN could have got their employees Tom Brady dildos for Christmas, I think they would have. Now granted being a big sports fan, I've seen Excellence in SPorts News jock a great number of "legendary" athletes in my day, but none on the level of Brady. Tom Brady and the New England Patriots became the 4th team in NFL history to complete the regular season undefeated, much respect for that it's an amazing feat. NOW CAN I SEE SOME SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS????!!!! I can't even watch Sportscenter anymore. Some team could beat it's opponent 675-0 and ESPN would talk about it after spending the first 45 minutes of Sportscenter putting a spit shine on Tom Brady's manhood. This isn't an attempt to diminish Tom Brady as a player or to downplay the phenomenal accomplishment that the Patriots as a whole have attained...it is just a plea to the "World Wide Leader in Sports" to stop following in the tradition it has already set with the Yankees, Red Sox, and every college basketball program located in the Northeast and stop showing so much blatant favoritism.
Uppercut. From time to time I blog about music and mostly it's to point out the way music execs and propaganda sell as many records as actual music. Well today it is a celebration. I'm celebrating something that I always thought I would mourn, but as it turns out has made me a very happy man and that is the decline of hip-hop music. I'm celebrating this decline not out of spite for rap and hip-hop, but because I love it so much.
The early years of my life were in a soul and R&B only household. My first tastes of hip-hop were not that inspiring, as a matter of fact I found it kind of lame. Then one day I heard something that I'll never forget. I walked into my parents room one morning (probably to snoop for stuff I shouldn't be snooping for) and was drawn over to my mom's then turned off cassette deck. For some reason I opened the deck and looked at the tape, the name on the front didn't seem to be anything I'd heard of so I put it back in the deck and pressed play to examine it. What came out of those speakers was NWA's Straight Outta Compton and from that moment on I was hooked like crack. The pain, the anger, the emotion, and the rawness were something I could relate to being a child in a rough housing project. I was amazed to hear their stories about events I'd seen with my own 11 year old eyes in my own neighborhood and the way these men I'd never met told a story I'd seen too often made me crave for more.
My life as a hip-hop fan has been a search for that same feeling over and over again. I've never been a fan of party rap or songs about women with big asses, but I've always craved that raw truth over and over again. It led me to Big Daddy Kane, Kool Moe Dee, Ice Cube,Getto Boys, UGK, OutKast, and the Wu-Tang Clan to name a few.
I don't have that feeling for hip-hop anymore. "Rap nowadays is by a bunch of ignorant cats. No young, gifted, and black; just guns, bitches, and crack" © Blueprint. When I listen to what has evolved into "Gangsta Rap" I hear a bunch of people who went to school. I hear a bunch of people who studied all the right words to say, but forgot to put the heart into it. A ton of fake gangsters, wannabe thugs, broke ass pimps, and playas without game. No rawness, no emotion, no truth. I hear suburban youth selling urban tales to kids who don't know any better and adults who don't give a damn. I hear white boys calling each other niggas and black folks getting upset because it's only racist when "they" say it when we were the ones who sold them our slang and our hustle and our struggle.
So today I celebrate the decline of hip hop in the hopes that when Clive Davis and Lyor Cohen and every other record exec has written my beloved former art form off as a no longer commercially viable waste of time that I can hear some music with a purpose and not another rap-by-numbers sucka MC.
If you're gonna start jabbing people why not start with this ever impressive (cut the sarcasm with a fork) crop of presidential candidates. First off, Mike Huckabee?. This man cannot be president for a Nile river's worth of reasons but I'll just fill your time with two of them: A) George W. Bush is already in office and screwed us all royally so why would we elect his clone and B) you can't be president with a name like Huckabee...I don't make these rules up.
In all seriousness when I look beyond Huckabee it's not like I see a bunch of people I want to recognize as the Commander-in-chief. Barack Obama approaches politics like I did when I was 14 before I learned that politics isn't a game played on a court by nicely dressed upper-crust gentlemen; it is a game played in a muddy snake pit by crooks and convicts. Hilary Clinton would probably get my vote, but I'm not one to vote for someone who voted for the Iraq war when it was a popular decision and dogged it when it was proven (did it really need much proving?) to be a bad idea yet still votes to fund it. John Edwards? No way. Mitt Romney? Garbage. Rudy Giuliani? Hell, I'm from the South...I know not to trust a man who marries his cousin. Besides the fact that this guy has taken so much credit for how NYC pulled together after 9/11 you kinda suspect he planned it just to make himself look good (that was a joke people!) I could talk about the lackluster merits of this gang of wannabes all day, but let's not get ourselves depressed until after President -elect Buffoon X fails us.
Jab #2. If ESPN could have got their employees Tom Brady dildos for Christmas, I think they would have. Now granted being a big sports fan, I've seen Excellence in SPorts News jock a great number of "legendary" athletes in my day, but none on the level of Brady. Tom Brady and the New England Patriots became the 4th team in NFL history to complete the regular season undefeated, much respect for that it's an amazing feat. NOW CAN I SEE SOME SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS????!!!! I can't even watch Sportscenter anymore. Some team could beat it's opponent 675-0 and ESPN would talk about it after spending the first 45 minutes of Sportscenter putting a spit shine on Tom Brady's manhood. This isn't an attempt to diminish Tom Brady as a player or to downplay the phenomenal accomplishment that the Patriots as a whole have attained...it is just a plea to the "World Wide Leader in Sports" to stop following in the tradition it has already set with the Yankees, Red Sox, and every college basketball program located in the Northeast and stop showing so much blatant favoritism.
Uppercut. From time to time I blog about music and mostly it's to point out the way music execs and propaganda sell as many records as actual music. Well today it is a celebration. I'm celebrating something that I always thought I would mourn, but as it turns out has made me a very happy man and that is the decline of hip-hop music. I'm celebrating this decline not out of spite for rap and hip-hop, but because I love it so much.
The early years of my life were in a soul and R&B only household. My first tastes of hip-hop were not that inspiring, as a matter of fact I found it kind of lame. Then one day I heard something that I'll never forget. I walked into my parents room one morning (probably to snoop for stuff I shouldn't be snooping for) and was drawn over to my mom's then turned off cassette deck. For some reason I opened the deck and looked at the tape, the name on the front didn't seem to be anything I'd heard of so I put it back in the deck and pressed play to examine it. What came out of those speakers was NWA's Straight Outta Compton and from that moment on I was hooked like crack. The pain, the anger, the emotion, and the rawness were something I could relate to being a child in a rough housing project. I was amazed to hear their stories about events I'd seen with my own 11 year old eyes in my own neighborhood and the way these men I'd never met told a story I'd seen too often made me crave for more.
My life as a hip-hop fan has been a search for that same feeling over and over again. I've never been a fan of party rap or songs about women with big asses, but I've always craved that raw truth over and over again. It led me to Big Daddy Kane, Kool Moe Dee, Ice Cube,Getto Boys, UGK, OutKast, and the Wu-Tang Clan to name a few.
I don't have that feeling for hip-hop anymore. "Rap nowadays is by a bunch of ignorant cats. No young, gifted, and black; just guns, bitches, and crack" © Blueprint. When I listen to what has evolved into "Gangsta Rap" I hear a bunch of people who went to school. I hear a bunch of people who studied all the right words to say, but forgot to put the heart into it. A ton of fake gangsters, wannabe thugs, broke ass pimps, and playas without game. No rawness, no emotion, no truth. I hear suburban youth selling urban tales to kids who don't know any better and adults who don't give a damn. I hear white boys calling each other niggas and black folks getting upset because it's only racist when "they" say it when we were the ones who sold them our slang and our hustle and our struggle.
So today I celebrate the decline of hip hop in the hopes that when Clive Davis and Lyor Cohen and every other record exec has written my beloved former art form off as a no longer commercially viable waste of time that I can hear some music with a purpose and not another rap-by-numbers sucka MC.
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