THE FANS
Has there ever been a group more worthy of kicking in the throat than NFL fans? No matter what city you're from, your fans are annoying, sloppy drunk, mouth-breathing shit sacks. I didn't think I could hate NFL fans more...until the lockout. Now every article about the lockout has to be accompanied by 761 comments from slobbering sloths all across the country. Never mind that most of these inbreds have never played an actual down of football in their entire lives or know much about football besides their "My team is awesome....Your team blows" philosophy. Everyone has an opinion despite not knowing much about labor negotiations, law, long division, or proper hygiene.
I also love the not-so-thinly veiled racism, homophobia, and general ass-hattery that an NFL fan will proudly share with you at any moment. It's no wonder that the country as a whole is falling apart faster than JLo's marriage (Fuckin' right I did it!) when we have these beacons of the American school system as some of our nation's most vocal citizens.
THE OWNERS
As a football fan, I can honestly say that I despise the owners. Every time an NFL owner opens his mouth he does something to ruin football. Like "Hey guys I don't think any of us are nearly as rich as we need to be, let's squeeze some extra cash out of the guys who make us richer every week". Great idea. How 'bout next week we shut down the sun? Granted, most NFL owners came to own a team by first using their business skills to amass a huge fortune and acquire an asset that is the picture next to the textbook definition of cash cow, but that doesn't make them good people.
How many billionaire businessmen do you think have any humility? *Crickets* How many billionaire businessmen can you say actually care about the common man's plight? *Crickets on fire* This is the same group of lying fartholes who wanted rule changes for "the safety of the players" and not a week later wanted to extend the season to put players in harm's way more often. They'd make wonderful politicians. Now they want me to believe that they are losing revenue, but they can't open up their books because that is private information. I think NFL owner's are actually behind the Nigerian email scams.
THE PLAYERS
In the loving words of my mother "The fuck is you crying 'bout?!". We don't need to go into the myriad reasons as to how great life is as a pro football player. We also don't need to go into the danger's of playing pro football. The reason that we don't need to go into these things is that (some) fans "get it". How 'bout we help NFL players get it: maybe just maybe if you didn't spend every cent you earned in the NFL on houses, cars, designer sun glasses, and child support you'd be able to afford to pay for health care after football. I'm not talking about the guys who played in the 50s through 70s era NFL...those guys got a raw deal in terms of pay and health. But if you've played more than 5 seasons in the modern-day NFL, you can probably afford to put some money away, make smarter business decisions, and stop banging every woman who lifts her skirt up so that you can get that knee replacement surgery after your pro days are behind you.
I've played organized football in my life, but I'll never play in the NFL which is every 10 year old football player's dream. You've made it to Wonderland and you can't stop bitching about the decor.
THE MEDIA
Less is more. As in the more you talk about the NFL lockout, the less I want to listen to you. Call me when it's over and you have something of value to say, but we don't need round the clock coverage of the NFL lockout anymore than we need round the clock coverage of my toilet. I don't care that DeMaurice Smith called his mom about the lockout or that an intern for the Rams left the meetings with problems related to diarrhea.
If the lockout hasn't ended then you have nothing to report. So, why don't you pump up another sporting event no one cares about (I'm looking at you Women's World Cup) and sit the hell down.
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