Monday, November 5, 2007

Debbie Should Have Done Dallas With Protection

As I was giving a lift to my work buddy JJones the other day, we some kind of way got to talking about age and exposure to what many would call "adult themed" entertainment. The argument was going in the usual conservative/liberal (not politics) back and forth with the stances being children shouldn't be completely shielded from adult themed content because at some level it is a part of everyone's life (her position) and the counterpoint of the ramifications of a 9 year old watching a Jenna Jameson flick before he's not mature enough to process the built-in fantasy. We then drifted into a convo about something that I had always thought and never really thoroughly examined: the complete failure of sex education.

Sex education in this country usually takes one of 4 avenues: 1) don't talk about it at all and hope nothing happens 2) talk about it but only just enough to not make any person involved feel uncomfortable 3) the "you'll catch an STD and your balls will fall off" method (my personal favorite) and 4) the sex is great get all of it you can theory. Now keep in mind all of these settings don't take place in an academic settings. Also keep in mind that there is a 5th method that we will get to later, but for the time being let's talk about numbers 2 and 3 shall we?

Number two is the preferred method of stuffy parents who think their child wouldn't dare have promiscuous sex and those who feel so uncomfortable with their own sex lives that they can barely stand to think that sex exists. It is also sadly the method your parents probably gave you. We've all had those delightfully strange sex talks with your parents where they try to explain how sacred/evil/wonderful/life-altering sex is and why we should not have any unless its with someone we love and plan to grow old with but give you some long, rambling, confusing story about how a whale's blow hole is his lifeline (pause). The obvious problem with this method is clear no real knowledge or information is actually being exchanged so the parent walks away feeling like they've done their job and the kid is more confused than Michael Jackson at an all black whorehouse. Then the parents are shocked and awed when the boy/girl comes home with an STD or a little bundle of unexpected grief. It's giving a deaf man an Ipod.

Number 3 is the one that is taught most in our schools. First schools start out by giving you all the scientific names and functions of your reproductive organs to inform you while simultaneously making putting a penis in a vagina the most boring and mundane process known to man. Then when that doesn't work (and it never does) the focus shifts over to the gross-out method. We've also all seen this. Sophomore year of high school Health class, the bring you in and make you watch a video (or a slide show in some cases) about people with genitals mutilated by the horrors of sexually transmitted diseases. You feel sick, you never wanna think about sex again, you're thinking of joining a monastery. Then you leave class and see the nicest pair of breasts you've ever seen attached to a body anchored by an ass that'll make you cuss out (insert deity here) and you spend the next two weeks masturbating while imagining said girl rubbing that body all over you...that is to say that this method fails miserably. Yeah you talk to all your friends about how that video scared the crap out of you, but I've never met a person who turned down sex because of that video alone. You'd think in a institution made up of (alleged) academics that a better and more effective deterrent could be fathomed.

NEWSFLASH! This deterrent already exists and it goes by the name common sense. Just like every other problem in this country, this can be solved most easily by just using that hat rack of yours. When parents talk to kids about sex they need to apply this God-given device by A) talking to the kid like a human being instead of some kind of otherworldly idiot. Your 13 year old knows more about sex than you can even imagine (or want to imagine) so when you approach him/her about sexual responsibility remember they've seen the internet, HBO, MTV and a thousand other media outlets where sex is prevalent B) being mature about the conversation when it is had and C) instead of coating sex wit a fresh coat of evil, talk to your kids openly and get to understand their thoughts on the subject. You're never gonna get a teenager to NOT think about sex all the time, instead focus on getting them to think about sex responsibly.

I dread the day in X amount of years when my son or daughter comes up to me and asks me those intimidating questions on sex. I dread even more having them not ask me and sending my child out into the world as a sexually repressed being.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Keep It In Your Pants

So last night me and my drankin' buddy Ed aka Ed Rock decided to hit up one of our favorite drankin' (The Hopleaf) spots to do some drankin'. So we're enjoying some interesting conversation and some even better brews when a table of 3 sits down right behind us. No huge shocker here: it's a bar, it's Friday night, looks like 3 friends going out to do the same thing Ed and I are doing. Then the fourth member shows up...and it gets weird. The woman sits down, greets everyone at the table and then immediately shoves her tongue down the throat of the guy sitting next to her. It's a bar, no big deal. But the kiss goes on for about 3 minutes. There is lots of lip smacking, caressing, and things of the like going on that, for some odd reason, is really starting to become distracting to my conversation (the couple were about 7 inches away from my face fyi).

Look, public displays of affection are cool. Everyone in a relationship will probably dabble in a little PDA from time to time. Turning my Friday night into a snapshot of your pre-coital adventure is a totally different story. The biggest problem is they weren't the only people. In the course of yammering about this that and the third, I noticed about 5 couples about ready to hump it up on the bar. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, true. Does it have to lower your class? And don't these people feel odd? Here one minute you are standing next to some couple who are looking at each other with THAT look in their eyes, the next minute you're watching a porn shoot.

If you wanna jump your partner in the middle of a bar please just be aware that not everyone in the bar came to see a live sex show. Kissing your partner in public is totally acceptable and kinda awesome if the two of you are feeling each other like that. The line has to be drawn when you and your partner start feeling each other like THAT.

I know some people are gonna see this and say "Here is another person who is completely conservative and stuffy about PDA." To those people I ask, when was the last time you saw a couple you didn't know mobbing each other right next to you and felt comfortable enough to completely ignore it? Not ignore it in the sense that you tongue-lash (pause) your friends for being so adverse to it, but ignore in the sense that you don't talk about it, don't acknowledge it, and continue along with your day as if it never happened. Never! Thanks for your time.

I was just watching 'Inside the NFL' and I heard to great comments about the New England Patriots head coach

1. "He needs and emergency personality transplant"
2." Bill Belichek is so arrogant that he stole a copy of Tony Dungy's playbook and sent it back to him with corrections"