Tuesday, November 9, 2010

All Roads Lead Me to Self-Destruct

You ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think to yourself "We're at this point now"? Or maybe yours goes something like "Yep, this is it". Maybe "Jesus-fuck-Christ, what am I doing with anything?". If not, fuck off. I have that morning like it's a 'Groundhog's Day' TBS marathon and I'm strapped in a medieval torture device. Sometimes I have that day smack dab in the middle of having that day. I guess if you put this together for enough days you might as well label it as your life and move on with the misery. I figured that out when I was about 7.

More and more I realize this 9 to 5 "Yessuh Massah" dick-dance isn't worth the dead slave owners the corporate machine trades for my rotting integrity for each week. I need a remedy. I'm paid to figure stuff out and make things work where conventional wisdom broken down. I get to stare at numbers, figure out patterns in the data and report my findings to the praise and piss-shower superlatives of the ruling class all while pretending like I give a pig's scrotum about any of it. I need a remedy. Truth is, I'd rather be doing this. I'd rather be sitting at my computer making my fingers click out the shit from the cesspool between my ears...too bad nightmares don't earn enough money to pay for dreams.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Self-Depriciating Encouragement Part 1

So, I'm an outlandishly negative person. A contrarian of the highest order. So much so that I'm constantly finding ways to take whatever positive thoughts I have about myself (or compliments other people give me) and turn them into a rancid indictment of my inability to do just about anything. I'm sunny like that with mine.

At any rate, I happen to find most of these statements outrageously humorous and end up laughing at the heights I go to to hate myself. So, seeing as though you should probably hate me too (hey, it's worth a laugh here and there) I'm going to start sharing these statements in the hopes that you will find them as funny as I do and use them to batter your own self-esteem and that of the ones you love. Starting with this one from just last night:

"I gotta get a job soon. I'm losing so much weight being unemployed that its gonna be a bitch to hang myself when I'm skinny like this."

Hahaha...HIGH-larious right?! Keep looking out for more of these in the near future.