Are You Ready For Some Boredom?

***What follows is just pent up confusion and frustration. If you are not in the mood for such antics please move along***

One of the most baffling things in the world to me is fantasy football (or fantasy baseball, basketball, hockey, table tennis...). I don't understand the appeal or how so many people have become rabid fans (followers? coaches?) of this activity in what seems like an overnight explosion of lame. I've met and talked to folks who have tried to give reasonable defenses of fantasy football, but it always just sounds like something they made up on the spot. I suspect most times it is.

I didn't even know fantasy football was a thing until about 2003. Out of nowhere I start seeing commercials and ads on websites for it and the idea really just confused me. Not to be ignorant of something that could turn out to be really interesting (boy, was I wrong) I started looking into what exactly fantasy football was. Once I found out it was the most disappointing moment of my sports-related life. You mean to tell me this is just a bunch of bored suburbanites sitting around staring at stats to see who's "team" is doing the best? Was there something just too exciting about regular football that made them want to strip all of the fun out of it for public safety concerns?


This is fantasy football

Now this thing has exploded beyond my wildest nightmares. ESPN has not only dedicated resources to having fantasy football "experts" on their payroll, but they even give these people air time to discuss a non-sport smack dab in the middle of programs dedicated to actual sports. Not to be outdone, most sports radio stations around the country have been forced to give time to "experts" to drop some knowledge on which players you should "draft" into your league on a week-by-week basis.

Last fall, I was working for a CPG company that makes the little red, plastic cups (Not Dixie...the other one) that so many of you love to fill with liquid yeast poop when I over heard some fantastic idiot in the following conversation:

Complete Airhead: So, how was your draft?

Fantastic Idiot: It sucked. It would have been awesome if my girlfriend wasn't nagging me the whole time. She asks me to come over and I explicitly told her Sunday was my draft. Then I get there and she's all pissed that I'm on the computer doing my draft and not paying attention to her. She ruined the whole thing.

CA: Dude, you told her it was your draft. What didn't she understand?

I dunno. Maybe she was a little shocked that a man would turn down spending time with an actively interested female to sit on a computer and imaginarily draft men in tights to be on their imaginary "team". That is how strong some people's affinity for fantasy football runs.

If anyone can explain to how fantasy football is an enjoyable and rewarding exercise please feel free to do so. In the meantime, I'm going to start a petition to tar and feather everyone in a fantasy football league.

I Hate Your Phone

Do you remember where you were when the cell phone became the most important device on the face of the planet? I must've slept through it. At some point in the past 10-12 years, the cell phone made a power move to own our lives and everyone knelt down and said "Your wish is my command" in unison. Really what invention can stand up to the awe created by a shiny, new cell phone being waved in your face at a deeply discounted price? Don't worry I'll wait...© Kat Williams.

Of course, I'm just being an ass. I hate your cell phone. I hate my cell phone. I hate the cell phones of people I've never even seen. Have you ever been talking to someone about a matter that you find to be fairly important and wanted to punch them directly in the fronal lobe as they reply to a text mid sentence? Have you ever witnessed some biological mistake completely disregard your life to answer a call about how awesome last night's episode of 'The Bachelor' was? Then you feel my pain. If you are one of the people who routinely commits one of these atrocities then happily go DIAF.

I love standing in line at Restaurant X and noticing how every person in the line has to stop at some point and look at their cell. You couldn't have possibley missed a call or text or video or email since you last checked your phone 10 miliseconds ago. If you did get a phone call, we'd all know about it because your portable iriation device will spew some rythmic abortion into the air to ear-rape us all. How nice of you! You know what would be even more super awesome of you? If, when you do get a call, you can scream every single word of it at so that I can hear exatly how big of an asshole Mike is or how much you hate Audrey because "she's such a batch!". That would really make my day.

Everyday people walk down the street gazing into their cell phones with little to no regard for all of the people they are rudely staggering into. People drive home from work picking up their phone whenever it buzzes, hums, or sings because they just can't wait to hear what their single-cell brained companion on the other end has to say. Meanwhile all of us regular folk have to swerve around John and Jane Q. Fuckstick as they make your drive home into vehicular dodgeball.

The point? Put the God dammned phone down and unplug long enough to realize that your phone is worthless. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shopping for a new cell phone. Don't judge...I gotta get something nice with my upgrade