The Words Escape Me

So, For the past couple of months I've been trying to write what every asshole with an ounce of writing ability dreams of writing...the great American novel. The only problem is life keeps getting in the way. I haven't written much yet and what I have written I wouldn't show to a blind man. *Sighs heavily...stares lustily at fading dreams*

Seeing as I have this canvas of a blog to spew randomness and hatred-filled rants upon, I have decided to use it. I'm going to have to get back into the habit of writing on a daily basis if I ever want to even come close to getting anything done with this double-stuffed shit sandwich of a book I'm currently (not) working on. Don't expect much from this endeavor. I'm essentially going to just sit down here at my desk every night and type about whatever comes into my head until I feel some sort of inspiration to write something meaningful (read: something to make me money). Unlike my past attempts to blog on a regular basis, this attempt is one I actually give a drunken nun fart about. Expect anger, expect discontent, expect bullshit, expect humor, expect despair, expect me.

Now that the bitching is done I got some non-writing to do...

The Linz List

I hate movies...most of the time. Most movies I've seen over the course of my life have managed to do two things A) remind me that reality is much more entertaining than fantasy and B) convince me the the majority of the world's population is surprisingly dim-witted. I seriously don't understand why people go out and fork over 10 bucks a head to sit in a dark room and watch actors pretend to be someone else and call that an exciting evening.

Really my problem is with the lack of effort given in most movie productions. A lot of the acting is half-assed and forced, the scripts read like rejected neighborhood theater, and the characters are disposable, uninteresting, and one-dimensional. I've always held that the notion of "suspended disbelief" was Hollywood's way of saying "We know you normally wouldn't buy this shit sandwhich, but it's the best we got". Plus movie-makers ran out of ideas a LOOOOOONNNGGG time ago. That is why we keep getting remakes of movies that are barely 20 years old and sequals to every near decent idea that "graces" the screen. How many times can Ben Stiller make the same movie with different titles? How many shitty comic book movies are you really going to watch? And yes, the book will always be better so DON'T GO SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!

Then there are these pseudo-intellectual film school drop-outs who want to discuss the cinematography and the use of various special effects that no one cares about. I don't give a damn about cinematography. Watching a movie to admire the cinematography is like going to a strip club to rate the dance moves, that is to say, you missed the point.
Special effects are the nerd way of taking your attention away from the horrific job of acting being done. Seriously, take the special effects out of Star Wars and The Matrix and you'll uncover some of the worst acting in the history of God's reign. Special effects and cinematography are both just cover ups for how shitty the film is; plain and simple.

Having spewed all of those delightful musings on cinematic endeavours, there are some movies that I enjoy quite thoroughly. Not a lot of them, but there are some. My good buddy Linz was interested in seeing a list of all the movies I like which, while it sounds like an easy task for a movie hater such as myself, is actually a pretty tough deal. So, my dear Linz, you are getting a list of my favorite 5 movies of all time. Without further adieu...

5) Mo' Betta Blues: While not Spike Lee's best film, Denzel Washington makes Bleak Gilliam a real piece of shit that you can identify with and feel.

4) Hotel Rwanda: Don Cheadle smashes the role and the script alone is enough to get you choked up.

3) Malcolm X: Denzel and Spike are a good team...too bad neither of them is on the list again.

2) Pulp Fiction: This film used to be my favorite, but over time it fades. Jules Winfield is still madd gully.

1) Dream for an Insomniac: Technically this film is everything I hate. It's a romantic-comedy, Jennifer Anniston is in it, there is a boy-meets-girl boy-loses-girl aspect, it's in black and white, Ione Skye's lisp is blood curdling...I could go on for days with reasons why this should not be my favorite movie of all time. I couldn't give you 3 good reasons why if you saw this movie you should like it. It is my wife's favorite movie also and we've never seen it together...nor have we seen it since we've been together. There is just something about this low-budget, hardly-tolerable film that makes me stop and watch it whenever it is on.

So there you have it...my favorite 5 movies. You probably hate them all, but I like them and that is all that counts.

Honorable mention:

A) Scarface: That horrible accent drops the movie from great to aight.
B) The Birds: Hitchcock holds my attention at first and then I stop caring.
C) Rocky IV: Them mothafuckas killed Apollo Creed! A black man can't never catch a break!
D) Under Siege: made before 9/11 and is scarily similar
E) Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker: while technically not a movie, it is one of the greatest comedy feats EVER

Keep It In Your Pants

So last night me and my drankin' buddy Ed aka Ed Rock decided to hit up one of our favorite drankin' (The Hopleaf) spots to do some drankin'. So we're enjoying some interesting conversation and some even better brews when a table of 3 sits down right behind us. No huge shocker here: it's a bar, it's Friday night, looks like 3 friends going out to do the same thing Ed and I are doing. Then the fourth member shows up...and it gets weird. The woman sits down, greets everyone at the table and then immediately shoves her tongue down the throat of the guy sitting next to her. It's a bar, no big deal. But the kiss goes on for about 3 minutes. There is lots of lip smacking, caressing, and things of the like going on that, for some odd reason, is really starting to become distracting to my conversation (the couple were about 7 inches away from my face fyi).

Look, public displays of affection are cool. Everyone in a relationship will probably dabble in a little PDA from time to time. Turning my Friday night into a snapshot of your pre-coital adventure is a totally different story. The biggest problem is they weren't the only people. In the course of yammering about this that and the third, I noticed about 5 couples about ready to hump it up on the bar. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, true. Does it have to lower your class? And don't these people feel odd? Here one minute you are standing next to some couple who are looking at each other with THAT look in their eyes, the next minute you're watching a porn shoot.

If you wanna jump your partner in the middle of a bar please just be aware that not everyone in the bar came to see a live sex show. Kissing your partner in public is totally acceptable and kinda awesome if the two of you are feeling each other like that. The line has to be drawn when you and your partner start feeling each other like THAT.

I know some people are gonna see this and say "Here is another person who is completely conservative and stuffy about PDA." To those people I ask, when was the last time you saw a couple you didn't know mobbing each other right next to you and felt comfortable enough to completely ignore it? Not ignore it in the sense that you tongue-lash (pause) your friends for being so adverse to it, but ignore in the sense that you don't talk about it, don't acknowledge it, and continue along with your day as if it never happened. Never! Thanks for your time.

*WARNING: SPORTS RELATED MATERIAL TO FOLLOW*
I was just watching 'Inside the NFL' and I heard to great comments about the New England Patriots head coach

1. "He needs and emergency personality transplant"
2." Bill Belichek is so arrogant that he stole a copy of Tony Dungy's playbook and sent it back to him with corrections"

Classic

It's Only Wednesday??

I'm getting sick which means I'm more cranky than usual (if that level of cranky is even possible) so here we go...


The Speed Limit:

Is there any reason why most people treat the speed limit like the sign reads "Speed Minimum"? If you try driving 30 mph in a 30 mph zone you'll probably be honked at and fingered (no pun) by every single car you see sans old drivers. I'm on my way to work today driving 40 in a 30 and the guy behind me is acting like I'm parked. We're on a one-lane road and he's constantly trying to pass me in his (insert gas guzzling SUV here)which gets even more annoying because we're on a one-lane road. When he finally gets to an intersection where he can pass me he does so by bolting past me at maybe 50 while giving me a dirty frown which promptly makes me laugh at him.
Here's the big idea: IT'S A SPEED LIMIT!!! If you can't understand these simple terms then you shouldn't be driving.

This is a damn shame:
I was reading an article earlier about how Jesse Jackson was going around some cit BEGGING parents in black neighborhoods to send their kids to school. Come the fuck on black folks!! Our people spent all those damn years trying to get a good education for us and now we ain't even sending our kids to the school we fought for them to go to?! You might as well go up to your grandmother and spit in her face. And throw whatever ideas you have of Jesse out the window; he's not my favorite person on the planet but at least this time he's getting some TV face-time over a good cause. My mom would've beat the black off of me (and believe me she tried a few times) if I didn't go to school. We lived in the projects, we had no money, but we were gonna get that "edumencation" whether we liked it or not. Why is it that the same people in our community who are the biggest seller of the "White man holding me down" game are also the same people who don't do anything to uplift themselves?

Kanye West Vs. 50 Cent = A Loss For All Music Fans:
In all the hoopla over the Kanye vs. 50 9/11 CD release, I couldn't wait until a friend of mine came over with his *ahem* advance copy *ahem* of both CDs. My verdict: Kanye's album=marginally entertaining, 50's album=shit sandwich. Which is to say they both failed to make a positive impression on my ears. The release date drama is a loss for fans and a win for both artists and their record labels. The artists and the labels get to cook up some nonexistent beef between the two artists over who will sell the most albums (which record labels mistakingly think means it was a better album)which makes the sheepish fans go out and buy more albums. It's really a wonderful strategy in a time where a top selling hip hop album may not even go platinum. The fans lose because the artists and labels are not selling you music; they are selling you image. Neither one of these CDs is a musical masterpiece despite what Kanye and 50 supporters may have you think. Go fork over your hard-earned money on 9/11 for some hot garbage if you want to, but I'll be at home with money in hand and better music on my mind.


A Gay Senator Is Only Newsworthy For So Long:
It was entertaining, it was shocking, it was an undeniably dumb move, but for the love of everything holy can we please move on from this? Whether Larry Craig resigns or shows up at the next press conference dressed as Shirley Temple, this story has lost it's flavor. Even I posted a little video connected to the incident last week...and then I moved on with my life as most other Americans did. There are 300 million other more important stories going on in the world and the media is reporting on some senator who tried to pull a George Michael in the bathroom like it's the capture of Osama Bin Laden. Keep beating the story to death and keep watching those ratings continue to fall...or take the revolutionary approach and report the NEWS. Just a thought

Just a couple of thoughts as while I sit at my desk staring at the wall:

White People Don't Speak Proper English
I get infuriated when I hear white people talk about how minorities can't speak proper English. It ain't like white folks are out there leading by example. Hell I'm from Mississippi where English is everyone's second language and even there I used to hear white people make fun of folks for having improper syntax or butchering words. In Mississippi where "car" becomes "coar" and "dog" becomes "dowg" in white folks speak, you'd think they'd be a little cautious before pointing out the speaking flaws of others. And it ain't just down south either.

I now live in the Chicago area and I don't think 50% of the population can put 5 good sentences together here either. Here "car" becomes "caarr" and "Chicago" becomes "Chicahgo" or "Chicawgo". I hear white folks use words incorrectly everyday. The real fun comes when you see people write this stuff down. Quick lesson: "you're" and "your" aren't the same word, "then" and "than" are not interchangeable, and disorientated is not a word. Please, please, please white folks get a 'Hooked on Phonics' video and then maybe we can talk.

People Who Brag About What Someone Else Does Are Annoying

I keep meeting these clowns that like to boast about knowing the guy who owns this or keeps yammering about how his cousin in New York is a big shot in this. Who the fuck cares? Listen, no one gives a shit if you know the billionaire who invented duct tape so stop wasting my damn time telling me about it. What do these people hope to accomplish by wasting my time and the precious hearing I'll need when I'm 79? Are we supposed to be impressed because you know someone? Unless this person is cutting you a check for telling people that you know him shut the fuck up and move on.

I have a guy in my office right now who is telling me about his rich nephew who is a big time judge in some city I've never been to. He keeps smiling at me and expecting me to go "Oh, really? That is wonderful!!", but I'm not going to do that mostly because I don't give two shits. It has nothing to do with why he's here and doesn't impact my life in any way possible. Please, when you meet one of these people, tell them you don't give a crap before they talk you into an assault and battery charge.

We Are A Country of Pussies
For all of our American chest pounding and bragging we are a country of subservients. We laugh at other countries for their lack of freedoms and the way they bow down to all powerful leaders, meanwhile Czar Bush is destroying the constitution and turning the US into a 'Demolition Man' knock-off. Millions of Americans jumped on the "Kill a Towel-head" bandwagon and now, years later, we're all talking about how dumb of a decision it was and how our idiot prez lied to us. The reality is, we sheepishly followed. Everyone I knew (save a few people with common sense) thought the Iraq war was a good idea back in 2003...now those people have gladly switched over to their war protester t-shirts. No one has stood up for common sense in the past 6 years. The macho in us cheered for war while the pussy in us all got fucked and the country is now pregnant with a mistake we cannot abort. Americans will bar fight, brawl at sporting events, and kill a man in honor of ignorance, but we won't lift a finger when intelligence and morality are taking a beating.