Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Linz List

I hate movies...most of the time. Most movies I've seen over the course of my life have managed to do two things A) remind me that reality is much more entertaining than fantasy and B) convince me the the majority of the world's population is surprisingly dim-witted. I seriously don't understand why people go out and fork over 10 bucks a head to sit in a dark room and watch actors pretend to be someone else and call that an exciting evening.

Really my problem is with the lack of effort given in most movie productions. A lot of the acting is half-assed and forced, the scripts read like rejected neighborhood theater, and the characters are disposable, uninteresting, and one-dimensional. I've always held that the notion of "suspended disbelief" was Hollywood's way of saying "We know you normally wouldn't buy this shit sandwhich, but it's the best we got". Plus movie-makers ran out of ideas a LOOOOOONNNGGG time ago. That is why we keep getting remakes of movies that are barely 20 years old and sequals to every near decent idea that "graces" the screen. How many times can Ben Stiller make the same movie with different titles? How many shitty comic book movies are you really going to watch? And yes, the book will always be better so DON'T GO SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!

Then there are these pseudo-intellectual film school drop-outs who want to discuss the cinematography and the use of various special effects that no one cares about. I don't give a damn about cinematography. Watching a movie to admire the cinematography is like going to a strip club to rate the dance moves, that is to say, you missed the point.
Special effects are the nerd way of taking your attention away from the horrific job of acting being done. Seriously, take the special effects out of Star Wars and The Matrix and you'll uncover some of the worst acting in the history of God's reign. Special effects and cinematography are both just cover ups for how shitty the film is; plain and simple.

Having spewed all of those delightful musings on cinematic endeavours, there are some movies that I enjoy quite thoroughly. Not a lot of them, but there are some. My good buddy Linz was interested in seeing a list of all the movies I like which, while it sounds like an easy task for a movie hater such as myself, is actually a pretty tough deal. So, my dear Linz, you are getting a list of my favorite 5 movies of all time. Without further adieu...

5) Mo' Betta Blues: While not Spike Lee's best film, Denzel Washington makes Bleak Gilliam a real piece of shit that you can identify with and feel.

4) Hotel Rwanda: Don Cheadle smashes the role and the script alone is enough to get you choked up.

3) Malcolm X: Denzel and Spike are a good team...too bad neither of them is on the list again.

2) Pulp Fiction: This film used to be my favorite, but over time it fades. Jules Winfield is still madd gully.

1) Dream for an Insomniac: Technically this film is everything I hate. It's a romantic-comedy, Jennifer Anniston is in it, there is a boy-meets-girl boy-loses-girl aspect, it's in black and white, Ione Skye's lisp is blood curdling...I could go on for days with reasons why this should not be my favorite movie of all time. I couldn't give you 3 good reasons why if you saw this movie you should like it. It is my wife's favorite movie also and we've never seen it together...nor have we seen it since we've been together. There is just something about this low-budget, hardly-tolerable film that makes me stop and watch it whenever it is on.

So there you have it...my favorite 5 movies. You probably hate them all, but I like them and that is all that counts.

Honorable mention:

A) Scarface: That horrible accent drops the movie from great to aight.
B) The Birds: Hitchcock holds my attention at first and then I stop caring.
C) Rocky IV: Them mothafuckas killed Apollo Creed! A black man can't never catch a break!
D) Under Siege: made before 9/11 and is scarily similar
E) Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker: while technically not a movie, it is one of the greatest comedy feats EVER

3 comments:

Linz said...

1.) Still shocked by # 1 Dave... STILL.

2.) Any blog title that references Linz = a winner in my book.


New fav quote: "Watching a movie to admire the cinematography is like going to a strip club to rate the dance moves, that is to say, you missed the point."

Jonathan Bell said...

What! No "Men at Work"? What kind of bullshit is this? Do you not remember what a phrenologist measures? Have you no clue why you should never touch another man's fries? Do you know that a flashlight makes a completely different sound when it hits the ground than a gun? Are you aware that it looks like someone threw away a perfectly good cracker? Jesus, Dave, what gives?

David said...

Damn, a brotha forgot all about "Men at Work". Good work J. I was slippin on that one.