Tuesday, August 5, 2008
About that writing everyday thing...
So, a very selfish and rude storm came through last evening and derailed my latest attempt to actually be productive. I got a few posts in the works and as soon as I can get to a friendlier computer (i.e. one not located at my job) I will continue to provide you with the latest high-brow ranting that I can come up with. To be continued...
Monday, August 4, 2008
Erin Andrews Needs To Eat A Sammich
I've finally had it. For years I've had to endure a multitude of my fellow male counterparts get all hot under and bothered over women that I just don't see th point in. Julia Roberts, Eva Longoria, Sarah Jessica Parker (my bad only women think this German sheppard with boobs is hot) and a slew of other MILDLY attractive, bone-thin spectacles of bulimia have all been shoved down my throat as the end all be all in the female form. Well, I call bullshit. Julia Roberts looks like a horse. Eva Longoria looks like Michael Jackson with a better make-up crew and we've already discussed Sarah Jessica "get me my slippers pooch" Parker.
The one thing most of these anorexia anonymous members (not just the ones listed) have in common is that they are super skinny. I don't need a chick that's built like Buffie the Body (how many bees stung her ass to make it swell that large?), but give a brova something. Gimmie a Jessica Biel, a Beyonce, a 1993 Janet Jackson...something that reminds me that the person I'm cuddled up with is actually a woman.
Being thin is a wonderful thing. It shows that you care about your appearance, that you live a healthy lifestyle, that the word buffet doesn't give you an orgasm complete with an 'Exorcist' style head spin. At some point we have to draw the line between what is healthy looking and what is a 'Save the Children' commercial. Jessica Alba looks healthy and fit; the Olsen twins look like they've been in a concentration camp since 'Full House' off the air.
Which brings me to the namesake of this post; Erin Andrews. I understand that compared to the Linda Cohen's and Chris McKendry's at ESPN, Erin Andrews looks like a fine portrait of a woman. Let's not get carried away though. Erin Andrews is a cute woman, but she has the body of an Ethiopian. I know, I know "But she has huge breasts!" If you tape two apples to a pencil they are no doubt going to look larger than if you placed those same apples on a Ford F-350; if you follow my logic. I would go into the discussion about how much of a shame it is that her great on camera skills get over shadowed by her on camera "talents", but that would be a lie because besides being (slightly) more attractive than the average female covering sports she ain't got much else to offer. Linda Cohen and Chris McKendry, while not being the most attractive women on the planet, know their sports and know how to report on sports in a fashion that makes you forget their women and focus on the quality of the job they are doing. How novel...
The point of this all isn't to bash other men's personal preferences or to attempt to diminish the accomplishments of Erin Andrews' life (she works for fucking ESPN...thats more than I can say for my life's achievements); it is to illustrate two points. Point one: don't let your media outlets tell you what is attractive and what isn't. If you're going to let someone decide what your opinion is please don't let it be the media and please let that opinion focus on a subject that matters a little more that T & A. Point two: Erin Andrews needs to eat a sammich.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The Words Escape Me
So, For the past couple of months I've been trying to write what every asshole with an ounce of writing ability dreams of writing...the great American novel. The only problem is life keeps getting in the way. I haven't written much yet and what I have written I wouldn't show to a blind man. *Sighs heavily...stares lustily at fading dreams*
Seeing as I have this canvas of a blog to spew randomness and hatred-filled rants upon, I have decided to use it. I'm going to have to get back into the habit of writing on a daily basis if I ever want to even come close to getting anything done with this double-stuffed shit sandwich of a book I'm currently (not) working on. Don't expect much from this endeavor. I'm essentially going to just sit down here at my desk every night and type about whatever comes into my head until I feel some sort of inspiration to write something meaningful (read: something to make me money). Unlike my past attempts to blog on a regular basis, this attempt is one I actually give a drunken nun fart about. Expect anger, expect discontent, expect bullshit, expect humor, expect despair, expect me.
Now that the bitching is done I got some non-writing to do...
Seeing as I have this canvas of a blog to spew randomness and hatred-filled rants upon, I have decided to use it. I'm going to have to get back into the habit of writing on a daily basis if I ever want to even come close to getting anything done with this double-stuffed shit sandwich of a book I'm currently (not) working on. Don't expect much from this endeavor. I'm essentially going to just sit down here at my desk every night and type about whatever comes into my head until I feel some sort of inspiration to write something meaningful (read: something to make me money). Unlike my past attempts to blog on a regular basis, this attempt is one I actually give a drunken nun fart about. Expect anger, expect discontent, expect bullshit, expect humor, expect despair, expect me.
Now that the bitching is done I got some non-writing to do...
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Gun Control Legislation < Common Sense
I'm a Southerner; Mississippi born and raised. Over the course of my stay in the Midwest, which is now in its 9th year, I think the hands down winner of the "Argument Most Likely to Cause Violence" award has been the ongoing debate on gun control. I mention that I'm a Southerner solely to highlight the fact that guns are as much a part of the South as summer heat and Jack Daniels. I grew up around guns, feel very comfortable around guns, and advocate the right to carry a gun (although I don't own one myself...my wife would go nuts). Most people I know are anti-gun and pro-gun control legislation. I can understand people not liking guns or even having a fear of the very sight of a gun. What I cannot understand is this ridiculous idea that if you ban guns violence will disappear from the face of the planet.
Gun violence is a major problem in this country; no one with common sense is going to debate that. What has always bothered me about supporters of gun legislation is their unrealistic ideas as to what this legislation is going to accomplish. People think that if you make it illegal to own a gun it will therefore become tougher to buy a gun and that will cause gun related crimes to go down while simultaneously ridding society of all violence. BULLSHIT!
Allen Keyes is a moron of the highest pedigree. He said one of the smartest things I've ever heard in my life. During a failed attempt at the Illinois Senator position currently held by Barack Obama back in 2004, Allen Keyes stated that gun legislation does nothing to deter gun violence because criminals don't follow laws. That is something that I've been trying to tell my gun control advocate friends for years. Making guns illegal will accomplish the same goal that making heroin, marijuana, and cocaine illegal...absolutely nothing. People who buy firearms that they will use for criminal activity are 9/10 times not the same people who are going to walk into a gun store and fill out the necessary paper work (school shootings aside). They are going to buy one on the streets; the same place people go to purchase heroin, marijuana, and cocaine. Assault rifles have been banned for years yet, in some strange coincidence, every time the authorities bust some multi-state drug ring they find a slew of assault rifles, cash, and hand guns in the stash. If you ban guns you are only taking protection out of the hands of law-abiding citizens. The people who keep that gun in the nightstand praying to God they never have to use it to defend their families in the face of danger. The car jacker will have a gun whether you legislate them away or not, but will the single mother of three? She is the person who stands to be hurt by gun legislation.
Currently in Chicago we are in the midst of another year of where a multitude of our young people are dying in gun-related violence. This has sparked Mayor (Emperor) Daley and community leaders to shine the light on the gun control issue and are calling for tougher gun laws. I compare this to replacing a blown light bulb with a tomato...it ain't gonna work. We aren't striking to the root of the problem when we passively lobby for legislation. We aren't addressing poverty or single parent homes or poor schools or gentrification; we don't want to talk about those things because they don't make good news headlines. The gun is only the instrument used to kill...it is not the driving force and until we start to make attempts to locate and dismantle this driving force we will continue to have a gun violence problem in this city, in this state, and in this country as a whole.
It doesn't take Al Einstein (or even Al Yankovic) to understand why most gun-related violence occurs in poor neighborhoods; the same neighborhoods with poor schools, high drug sales, crooked cops, little opportunity for prosperity, and no one making a REAL attempt to do anything about it. We want to point the finger at the inanimate object because we don't want to face the facts. So we seek to ban it just like the cocaine, heroin, marijuana (and even alcohol, remember?) when we want to find something to vilify.
Just like most other issues concerning America today "it's the economy stupid". Just like in the '90's, if you give people a chance to earn a living and feel like a decent human being crime drops. It's not useless legislation that makes soccer moms and fat pocketed politicians sleep better at night that is going to make the difference. Take away the driving force and the instrument rusts...
Gun violence is a major problem in this country; no one with common sense is going to debate that. What has always bothered me about supporters of gun legislation is their unrealistic ideas as to what this legislation is going to accomplish. People think that if you make it illegal to own a gun it will therefore become tougher to buy a gun and that will cause gun related crimes to go down while simultaneously ridding society of all violence. BULLSHIT!
Allen Keyes is a moron of the highest pedigree. He said one of the smartest things I've ever heard in my life. During a failed attempt at the Illinois Senator position currently held by Barack Obama back in 2004, Allen Keyes stated that gun legislation does nothing to deter gun violence because criminals don't follow laws. That is something that I've been trying to tell my gun control advocate friends for years. Making guns illegal will accomplish the same goal that making heroin, marijuana, and cocaine illegal...absolutely nothing. People who buy firearms that they will use for criminal activity are 9/10 times not the same people who are going to walk into a gun store and fill out the necessary paper work (school shootings aside). They are going to buy one on the streets; the same place people go to purchase heroin, marijuana, and cocaine. Assault rifles have been banned for years yet, in some strange coincidence, every time the authorities bust some multi-state drug ring they find a slew of assault rifles, cash, and hand guns in the stash. If you ban guns you are only taking protection out of the hands of law-abiding citizens. The people who keep that gun in the nightstand praying to God they never have to use it to defend their families in the face of danger. The car jacker will have a gun whether you legislate them away or not, but will the single mother of three? She is the person who stands to be hurt by gun legislation.
Currently in Chicago we are in the midst of another year of where a multitude of our young people are dying in gun-related violence. This has sparked Mayor (Emperor) Daley and community leaders to shine the light on the gun control issue and are calling for tougher gun laws. I compare this to replacing a blown light bulb with a tomato...it ain't gonna work. We aren't striking to the root of the problem when we passively lobby for legislation. We aren't addressing poverty or single parent homes or poor schools or gentrification; we don't want to talk about those things because they don't make good news headlines. The gun is only the instrument used to kill...it is not the driving force and until we start to make attempts to locate and dismantle this driving force we will continue to have a gun violence problem in this city, in this state, and in this country as a whole.
It doesn't take Al Einstein (or even Al Yankovic) to understand why most gun-related violence occurs in poor neighborhoods; the same neighborhoods with poor schools, high drug sales, crooked cops, little opportunity for prosperity, and no one making a REAL attempt to do anything about it. We want to point the finger at the inanimate object because we don't want to face the facts. So we seek to ban it just like the cocaine, heroin, marijuana (and even alcohol, remember?) when we want to find something to vilify.
Just like most other issues concerning America today "it's the economy stupid". Just like in the '90's, if you give people a chance to earn a living and feel like a decent human being crime drops. It's not useless legislation that makes soccer moms and fat pocketed politicians sleep better at night that is going to make the difference. Take away the driving force and the instrument rusts...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Paper Mache Protest
Alright, for the past week I (and I'm assuming you, too) have been inundated with visions of protesters across the globe all with their panties in a bunch over Tibet, China, and the 2008 Olympics. I for one will stand at the top of the highest mountain I can climb and call bullshit on this entire charade.
My first issue with this whole sandpaper hand-job are the attempts by protesters to put out the Olympic torch. Are you serious? I know the whole idea of parading the torch around was invented by the Nazis, but attacking some poor guy who is just trying to live out a dream is completely deplorable. You're not helping the oppressed in Tibet or bringing to the forefront some human rights violation of the Chinese government by doing this; you are simply being an over zealous nut bag who can't separate his "protest of the moment" syndrome from an event that is not about China, it's just going to take place there. These feeble attempts to shine a light on a brutal regime is only shining a light on clueless protesters attacking a person carrying the Olympic torch. Besides, and someone should alert the protesters to this, if you put the torch out, they'll just relight it and move on to the next city.
The Olympics, as grand a stage as it is, is not a platform for your agendas. Yes, the Olympics are a corporate field day of agendas, but the games are also the culmination of a lifetime of effort by athletes that, even if they go home without a single medal, are proud to have had their moment in the spotlight. The greatest athletes in the world gather to compete in a centuries old tradition that still draws millions of eyes and start kicks millions of dreams...and you want to use it to whore your cause? And, yes you are whoring your cause because what is going on in Tibet ain't nothing new. Where were all of these protesters 10 year ago? Or even 10 months ago? The people of Tibet have been being stepped on for years and NOW you get off your ass to scream about it when the cameras are on? You gotta do better than that.
My second and biggest issue with these protests has to do with the general ineffectiveness of protesting something like this. You think governments across the world have been clueless all these years about what goes on beyond the borders of China? No, they just haven't cared; and I doubt they will start to care any time soon. Especially with China emerging as THE super power now that America's light seems to be fading. These countries want to get their slice of the Chinese pie and they aren't going to let some misguided, though well-meaning protesters stop the money train.
If you want to let the world know how you feel about Chinese oppression you have to use the only tool that powerful countries care about...money. You've got to stop buying stock in Chinese companies, stop buying products made in China, push your congressman on legislation that would put economic sanctions on China until they atone for their wrongs. If that doesn't work, take the cause to another level. Go to China, help organize Tibetans and other oppressed Chinese to make the social and governmental changes that need to be made to make their lives bearable and to give them a voice (on some real Beastie Boys type shit).
But none of these things are going to happen and the number one reason why is most of the people participating in and doing stories on this paper mache protest are only half-hearted. It's the spirit of America: protest oil today, global warming tomorrow, Mumia Abu-Jamal (there STILL needs to be more noise made over this case) next week. We float from luke -warm hatred to luke-warm passion to our Ford SUV in the blink of an eye. So while this is a serious issue that deserves serious action, we'll put it on the shelf with Iraq and Darfur and all the other "protest of the moment" fire that we seem to get from time to time. Besides most people in this country can't even find the Tibet region of China on the map.
My first issue with this whole sandpaper hand-job are the attempts by protesters to put out the Olympic torch. Are you serious? I know the whole idea of parading the torch around was invented by the Nazis, but attacking some poor guy who is just trying to live out a dream is completely deplorable. You're not helping the oppressed in Tibet or bringing to the forefront some human rights violation of the Chinese government by doing this; you are simply being an over zealous nut bag who can't separate his "protest of the moment" syndrome from an event that is not about China, it's just going to take place there. These feeble attempts to shine a light on a brutal regime is only shining a light on clueless protesters attacking a person carrying the Olympic torch. Besides, and someone should alert the protesters to this, if you put the torch out, they'll just relight it and move on to the next city.
The Olympics, as grand a stage as it is, is not a platform for your agendas. Yes, the Olympics are a corporate field day of agendas, but the games are also the culmination of a lifetime of effort by athletes that, even if they go home without a single medal, are proud to have had their moment in the spotlight. The greatest athletes in the world gather to compete in a centuries old tradition that still draws millions of eyes and start kicks millions of dreams...and you want to use it to whore your cause? And, yes you are whoring your cause because what is going on in Tibet ain't nothing new. Where were all of these protesters 10 year ago? Or even 10 months ago? The people of Tibet have been being stepped on for years and NOW you get off your ass to scream about it when the cameras are on? You gotta do better than that.
My second and biggest issue with these protests has to do with the general ineffectiveness of protesting something like this. You think governments across the world have been clueless all these years about what goes on beyond the borders of China? No, they just haven't cared; and I doubt they will start to care any time soon. Especially with China emerging as THE super power now that America's light seems to be fading. These countries want to get their slice of the Chinese pie and they aren't going to let some misguided, though well-meaning protesters stop the money train.
If you want to let the world know how you feel about Chinese oppression you have to use the only tool that powerful countries care about...money. You've got to stop buying stock in Chinese companies, stop buying products made in China, push your congressman on legislation that would put economic sanctions on China until they atone for their wrongs. If that doesn't work, take the cause to another level. Go to China, help organize Tibetans and other oppressed Chinese to make the social and governmental changes that need to be made to make their lives bearable and to give them a voice (on some real Beastie Boys type shit).
But none of these things are going to happen and the number one reason why is most of the people participating in and doing stories on this paper mache protest are only half-hearted. It's the spirit of America: protest oil today, global warming tomorrow, Mumia Abu-Jamal (there STILL needs to be more noise made over this case) next week. We float from luke -warm hatred to luke-warm passion to our Ford SUV in the blink of an eye. So while this is a serious issue that deserves serious action, we'll put it on the shelf with Iraq and Darfur and all the other "protest of the moment" fire that we seem to get from time to time. Besides most people in this country can't even find the Tibet region of China on the map.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The Linz List
I hate movies...most of the time. Most movies I've seen over the course of my life have managed to do two things A) remind me that reality is much more entertaining than fantasy and B) convince me the the majority of the world's population is surprisingly dim-witted. I seriously don't understand why people go out and fork over 10 bucks a head to sit in a dark room and watch actors pretend to be someone else and call that an exciting evening.
Really my problem is with the lack of effort given in most movie productions. A lot of the acting is half-assed and forced, the scripts read like rejected neighborhood theater, and the characters are disposable, uninteresting, and one-dimensional. I've always held that the notion of "suspended disbelief" was Hollywood's way of saying "We know you normally wouldn't buy this shit sandwhich, but it's the best we got". Plus movie-makers ran out of ideas a LOOOOOONNNGGG time ago. That is why we keep getting remakes of movies that are barely 20 years old and sequals to every near decent idea that "graces" the screen. How many times can Ben Stiller make the same movie with different titles? How many shitty comic book movies are you really going to watch? And yes, the book will always be better so DON'T GO SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!
Then there are these pseudo-intellectual film school drop-outs who want to discuss the cinematography and the use of various special effects that no one cares about. I don't give a damn about cinematography. Watching a movie to admire the cinematography is like going to a strip club to rate the dance moves, that is to say, you missed the point.
Special effects are the nerd way of taking your attention away from the horrific job of acting being done. Seriously, take the special effects out of Star Wars and The Matrix and you'll uncover some of the worst acting in the history of God's reign. Special effects and cinematography are both just cover ups for how shitty the film is; plain and simple.
Having spewed all of those delightful musings on cinematic endeavours, there are some movies that I enjoy quite thoroughly. Not a lot of them, but there are some. My good buddy Linz was interested in seeing a list of all the movies I like which, while it sounds like an easy task for a movie hater such as myself, is actually a pretty tough deal. So, my dear Linz, you are getting a list of my favorite 5 movies of all time. Without further adieu...
5) Mo' Betta Blues: While not Spike Lee's best film, Denzel Washington makes Bleak Gilliam a real piece of shit that you can identify with and feel.
4) Hotel Rwanda: Don Cheadle smashes the role and the script alone is enough to get you choked up.
3) Malcolm X: Denzel and Spike are a good team...too bad neither of them is on the list again.
2) Pulp Fiction: This film used to be my favorite, but over time it fades. Jules Winfield is still madd gully.
1) Dream for an Insomniac: Technically this film is everything I hate. It's a romantic-comedy, Jennifer Anniston is in it, there is a boy-meets-girl boy-loses-girl aspect, it's in black and white, Ione Skye's lisp is blood curdling...I could go on for days with reasons why this should not be my favorite movie of all time. I couldn't give you 3 good reasons why if you saw this movie you should like it. It is my wife's favorite movie also and we've never seen it together...nor have we seen it since we've been together. There is just something about this low-budget, hardly-tolerable film that makes me stop and watch it whenever it is on.
So there you have it...my favorite 5 movies. You probably hate them all, but I like them and that is all that counts.
Honorable mention:
A) Scarface: That horrible accent drops the movie from great to aight.
B) The Birds: Hitchcock holds my attention at first and then I stop caring.
C) Rocky IV: Them mothafuckas killed Apollo Creed! A black man can't never catch a break!
D) Under Siege: made before 9/11 and is scarily similar
E) Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker: while technically not a movie, it is one of the greatest comedy feats EVER
Really my problem is with the lack of effort given in most movie productions. A lot of the acting is half-assed and forced, the scripts read like rejected neighborhood theater, and the characters are disposable, uninteresting, and one-dimensional. I've always held that the notion of "suspended disbelief" was Hollywood's way of saying "We know you normally wouldn't buy this shit sandwhich, but it's the best we got". Plus movie-makers ran out of ideas a LOOOOOONNNGGG time ago. That is why we keep getting remakes of movies that are barely 20 years old and sequals to every near decent idea that "graces" the screen. How many times can Ben Stiller make the same movie with different titles? How many shitty comic book movies are you really going to watch? And yes, the book will always be better so DON'T GO SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!
Then there are these pseudo-intellectual film school drop-outs who want to discuss the cinematography and the use of various special effects that no one cares about. I don't give a damn about cinematography. Watching a movie to admire the cinematography is like going to a strip club to rate the dance moves, that is to say, you missed the point.
Special effects are the nerd way of taking your attention away from the horrific job of acting being done. Seriously, take the special effects out of Star Wars and The Matrix and you'll uncover some of the worst acting in the history of God's reign. Special effects and cinematography are both just cover ups for how shitty the film is; plain and simple.
Having spewed all of those delightful musings on cinematic endeavours, there are some movies that I enjoy quite thoroughly. Not a lot of them, but there are some. My good buddy Linz was interested in seeing a list of all the movies I like which, while it sounds like an easy task for a movie hater such as myself, is actually a pretty tough deal. So, my dear Linz, you are getting a list of my favorite 5 movies of all time. Without further adieu...
5) Mo' Betta Blues: While not Spike Lee's best film, Denzel Washington makes Bleak Gilliam a real piece of shit that you can identify with and feel.
4) Hotel Rwanda: Don Cheadle smashes the role and the script alone is enough to get you choked up.
3) Malcolm X: Denzel and Spike are a good team...too bad neither of them is on the list again.
2) Pulp Fiction: This film used to be my favorite, but over time it fades. Jules Winfield is still madd gully.
1) Dream for an Insomniac: Technically this film is everything I hate. It's a romantic-comedy, Jennifer Anniston is in it, there is a boy-meets-girl boy-loses-girl aspect, it's in black and white, Ione Skye's lisp is blood curdling...I could go on for days with reasons why this should not be my favorite movie of all time. I couldn't give you 3 good reasons why if you saw this movie you should like it. It is my wife's favorite movie also and we've never seen it together...nor have we seen it since we've been together. There is just something about this low-budget, hardly-tolerable film that makes me stop and watch it whenever it is on.
So there you have it...my favorite 5 movies. You probably hate them all, but I like them and that is all that counts.
Honorable mention:
A) Scarface: That horrible accent drops the movie from great to aight.
B) The Birds: Hitchcock holds my attention at first and then I stop caring.
C) Rocky IV: Them mothafuckas killed Apollo Creed! A black man can't never catch a break!
D) Under Siege: made before 9/11 and is scarily similar
E) Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker: while technically not a movie, it is one of the greatest comedy feats EVER
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